Stop Driving a Truck That’s Five Times Too Big For the Road

What are you compensating for?

Every time a big, noisy truck goes rolling past, my wife looks at it and goes, “There goes a guy with a small penis.”

My daughters have learned to say it too. They’ve learned to associate men who drive big pickup trucks with weakness and impotence. I think that’s awesome.

This summer, we rented a car to drive down to Chicago for a family trip. Because we were renting from Northern Wisconsin, they didn’t have any compact cars on the lot.

“Is an absurdly gigantic 4X4 okay?”

“Does it have 4 doors?”

It turned out it did, and since they were only charging us for a compact and they didn’t have anything else, I agreed.

From the second I opened the door to this vehicle, I hated it. I hated everything about it. When I think of a pickup truck, I think of work. I grew up on a farm. We always had pickup trucks. The reason we had pickup trucks was because we were always throwing engines and tools and lumber and whatnot into the bed.

Our working class pickup truck had a bench seat and we’d squeeze 8 people in there in our oil stained jeans. The inside of the cab smelled like diesel fuel and sweat and dirt. It was a rusty old hunk of junk that didn’t have any plates because we only drove it on the farm.

But this rental car was like a luxury hotel. The seats were leather. There was glistening wood trim everywhere. There were dials and levers and personal air conditioning for each seat.

“You can’t do any work in this car,” I thought to myself. “You’ll get dirt and oil and blood in every nook and cranny and ruin it in a week.” 

It turns out, you can’t drive the dang thing either. There’s a standard lane size and apparently American car manufacturers consider that a challenge.

“We refuse to have our rights restricted by the size of the highways! We must force the whole world to change and accommodate us! But we’ll never vote for a political candidate that will pass an infrastructure bill. So there!”

They make their dumb vehicles 1.13 times bigger than the size of the lane. Anyone who drives these enormous pickup trucks is constantly inconveniencing everyone else on the road. They’re also a gigantic pain at any parking lot because they have to take up 2 spaces.

They’re often advertised as trucks for “the outdoorsman,” but nobody who has ever been outdoors would ever pick a truck like that. Have you ever driven up a mountain road? They’re narrow, windy, and unstable. You need a small, nimble vehicle to traverse them.

Ginormous American pickup trucks can only be driven on the highway. You can’t use one to go hunt an elk or something like that. You can’t climb back into your luxury hotel of a vehicle with your arms all covered in blood from gutting an animal. You need an interior that’s simple and easy to clean, not one with a bunch of trim designed to look “fancy.”

Nice “fancy” truck partner.

American ginormous pickup trucks are just symbols of waste, excess, and laziness.

They’re symbols of all the pathetic and constantly furious rage monsters out there who are mad at god that they were given such tiny little pathetic non functional dicks.

They stomp around with a sphincter mouth upset that all their relationships are transactional because besides money they have nothing to offer.

The people who drive these pickup trucks are always the first to complain about gas prices. Of course they are. It’s because they don’t work, and they’re financially leveraged up to the hilt to purchase a $100,000 vehicle they can’t afford and that costs another $100,000 annually to drive.

They’re always furious because they’re broke, but instead of blaming themselves for purchasing an impractical car, they listen to conservative hate media and attack immigrants and other completely innocent groups.

It’s not them, it’s you! Buy a fuel efficient car!

For some reason there’s this huge entitled population that thinks our entire national policy should revolve around their right to drive an inefficient vehicle they can’t afford. If your manhood is so connected to your car, gas prices are the least of your concerns.

Anyone with a real job selects a practical work vehicle. They don’t pick a couch in the form of a pickup truck, and then they flaunt it around as if everybody who sees them behind the wheel isn’t laughing at their declaration of small cock size.

You look like a mouse trying to drive an elephant. That’s too much horsepower for you. You’re not fooling anyone.

Buying an oversized, gigantic pickup truck is a symbol of bad life choices. There are still parts of the country where you can purchase a house for less than these vehicles cost. My house cost less than one. Unlike a pickup truck, a house is something that appreciates in value over time. When it comes to cars, you should think of them like a hammer. They’re not a status symbol, they’re a tool. The preening roosters who need to prance around in something expensive are so insecure it’s painful to be around them. Sooner or later somebody is going to have to pay for that dumb truck and, like always, it’s going to end up being the decent, responsible, and hardworking people of the world (otherwise known as the opposite of the conservatives).

Think about that the next time the US engages in a needless war to protect the oil fields of God-forsaken-istan. The only reason we send our kids off to die is so that pathetic, insecure men can drive around in luxury vehicles disguised as trucks. Why should we all continually be forced to make sacrifices to overcome this pathetic and rampant insecurity of the American male?

Also, half the time these guys can’t even handle these obscene road loads. They aren’t built to go 70 miles per hour, and when they go around a turn they flip over. Plus, when they get drunk and get into accidents, they end up taking out an entire city block.

Gigantic pickup trucks are a menace to humanity. They must be stopped.

If you want to blame somebody for all the problems in the world, blame the self-loathing, overcompensating jerks who drive around in 10 times more pickup truck than they will ever use or need.

Associate with practical men with enough sense to drive practical vehicles. In other words, liberals.

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