A Conversation That Feels Like a Violation
It's such a steep decline from a comment that sounds benign to full-throated attacks
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I'm sick of having conversations that feel like violations.
I expect that all the decent, compassionate people out there know what I'm talking about.
I expect that the defiantly ignorant are inclined to deny an attack in the form of a conversation can even exist.
They’re the ones who will go on to mock you for having feelings.
A person approaches you as if they are a friend. They smile. They even compliment you. But you have something they want, and pretty soon you realize they're not going to stop until they’ve taken it from you.
They’re prepared to use force.
They want to wear you down with pressure and deceit and false accusations.
Not at first of course. At first they put on their best face in order to make you believe they respect you as a person. They say a bunch of fine sounding things about the need for discourse.
“We need to find a point of agreement.”
“We need to be able to get along.”
“All I'm thinking of is the children, why aren't you worried about the children?”
So, you give them the benefit of the doubt. You agree to listen even though there's some part in the back of your mind that is already sounding the alarm. Some part of you has seen the red flags.
But our society pressures us to ignore the red flags. We live in a hostility enabling culture. Enemies come at you from every angle and assault you with pressure, lies and misrepresentations.
“Why won’t you talk to me? Why are you afraid? You can at least listen. I’m only talking. What's the matter with you? You've got a bad feeling? Well, who cares about your feelings anyway? Why don't you grow up? You’re such a hateful and intolerant person! I hope you get the help you need! In fact, it’s my responsibility to help you! No I won’t leave you alone!”
It's such a steep decline from a comment that sounds benign to full-throated attacks.
The unfortunate reality is that if you are willing to engage in an honest discussion with anyone, it represents an acceptance of vulnerability.
Good things require vulnerability. If you’re unwilling to ever be exposed, you’ll never achieve anything worth having. This is the ultimate obstacle for conservatives. They absolutely refuse to be vulnerable, so they close the door to prosperity forever.
When somebody assures you that they honestly want to find a point of agreement, you can't engage with them unless you take your armor down.
Nobody has the brain power to navigate complex ideas while maintaining the energy it takes for self-protection.
Well, at least I can't.
If there's something I don't understand, I have to explore whether one of my assumptions is wrong.
I can’t do that if I’m being mindful of deceit.
Dishonest actors want you in a state of self-doubt, not to share an enduring truth, but to establish their control.
If I spend energy looking for deceit, I can no longer try to understand.
A dishonest opponent wants to put you on your heels. They want you to have to defend accusations. They want you in the throes of confusion. They want to make you feel the way they have to feel whenever they engage with more knowledgeable people.
“Is this confusing because I don't understand? Or is this confusing because this person cares nothing about me, he wants something from me, and he doesn't care if he inflicts harm?”
At this point in my life, I'm pretty well-educated and well-read. I've been through a variety of challenging programs. I know the definitions of words. I know how to interpret an academic paper.
Those actions require a lot of brain energy.
So, when somebody wants to engage with me, I'm inclined to give them the benefit of the doubt. I don’t call people liars when I’ve only just met them.
But every so often, I'm subjected to a deluge of half-truths, misrepresentations, and outright lies. We already live in a society that regularly misuses words like socialism and communism. They blame immigrants and the LGBTQ+ community for the crimes of white supremacists and Christian nationalists. Other words, like “woke” are thrown about without even the pretense of an agreement on the definition.
Our society has become so indoctrinated, that when our opponents say “woke,” there's an expectation that you will react as if it's “bad” and to even ask for clarification on what is meant provokes a reaction of open hostility.
“How dare you deny something that’s already been established!”
But it hasn’t been established. The current arrangement is not intellectually honest. Yet, here we are.
There have been times when I've engaged in discussions with men even though I noticed red flags in their comments. They've said things I disagreed with, but then behaved as if they were confused and sincerely wanted to learn when I questioned them.
“Help me to understand.”
I have the heart of a teacher. I've been in classrooms with eager young minds. I've been successful in walking students from a point of ignorance to the empowerment of reason. That's how we find unity as a society. We help each other to grow.
So, I'm inclined to help people when they ask.
But the moment you put down your defenses with dishonest actors, you're assaulted by a deluge of lies, half-truths, misinformation, and accusations. You aren't prepared for this because you responded as a friend.
The false actors know that they must wait until you're vulnerable before they can attack.
Even when ambushed, it takes a moment to realize that this isn't a sincere interaction. You're being violated.
I've been around enough conservative leaning people to know how they think. I was raised in a conservative area. One of the ways my friends and I entertained ourselves was by subjecting people to a tidal wave of improperly used words and concepts.
Flood the zone.
We talked fast. We made our opponents stutter. We made them look silly as they stood there regarding us with expressions of hurt and confusion.
“Ha, ha, ha! We win!”
But then a funny thing happens. Those people that we stumped with our half-truths went on to earn prestigious degrees. They engaged other people in lively and joyous conversation. They forged strong relationships. They became accomplished, prosperous, and respected adults.
If, by chance, they came to visit, we could still make them tongue-tied with our verbal assaults. “Accountability, and traditional values, and protect our families, and indoctrination, and woke, and corruption, and tyranny!”
The words rolled out of us like vomit.
In fairness, they always tried to answer. We always laughed at how ineffective they were. How could they be “better” than us when they couldn’t even withstand our verbal assaults?
We hung onto that and disregarded the fact that we were left with nothing.
Eventually they left. They got tired of it. They never came back.
Eventually, I grew up too. I realized that it was more important to speak words of truth and consequence than it was to score a few cheap points on somebody I resented because they had achieved so much more than I had.
Don't be deceived by an opponent who claims to be looking for a point of agreement, and then assaults you with lies and half-truths. Dishonest actors never limit themselves to one manipulation at a time. Their deceits are always stacked upon each other to provide the illusion of fortification.
But it's a house of cards. Their whole belief system will topple at the first sign of adversity. The only thing keeping it up is that they're very clever about forcing us to engage.
Do not engage. In the same way that white supremacists try to steal credit for the achievements of others, they'll try to steal the prestige you've rightfully earned. They want your audience because they haven't earned one for themselves. They'll never earn one. You have no obligation to give them yours.
Honest actors deserve vulnerability.
Dishonest actors have no right to demand anything from you.
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I have a strict do not engage policy. They had their shot at moral decency and reconciliation when their guy allegedly won again in November. They doubled down on the hate. Their choice.
I delete comments with regularity. Then I block. I probably lose subscribers that way, but I don't care. Readers are more important to me than subscribers. The readers who enjoy my work eventually, usually, become subscribers.
The sentence I used most with my mother the last several years of her life was, “I am not available for this conversation.” I hated doing it, because I knew I wouldn’t have her for much longer, but it was the only alternative to being assaulted.