A Desperate Man, a Gorilla Costume, and a Fulvous Whistling-duck
More memories from my life as an expat
At this point, I’d lived in Peru long enough to be known as “The Godfather of Lima.” I solved problems.
When people came to me, I provided legitimate solutions. My only stipulation was that I needed to get a laugh for my efforts. If things had to get unnecessarily complicated, then that was just the price you had to pay.
For example…
Some fellow gringos and I were working at a private school. None of them were getting paid enough because they didn’t listen to my advice on how to negotiate. They all went in asking to be paid $600 a month. I asked for $100,000 a year.
The director’s eyes got wide, and I told him I’d do him a favor. That’s how you negotiate. When you start to grovel you’ve already lost.
Oh, I didn’t get paid $100,000 a year. That was never the point.
Anyway, the school year was half over and the class play was approaching. One of the gringos, let’s call him Sophocles, said, “I need a dog costume.”
I fixed him with a serious look, whipped out my cell phone, and said, “Let me call my costume guy.”
The other gringo, let’s call him Leonidas, started to laugh. “I can’t believe you have the number of a costume shop programmed into your phone.”
I clenched my jaw and nodded. I wanted to create one of those moments of unspoken communication you sometimes get with people. This was going on while the phone was ringing. I thought it was amusing to speculate what he might be thinking:
“Why is he so serious about costumes? What kind of weird stuff does he get into? Is he inviting a bunch of girls over or something? Wait a minute, what am I missing here?”
Do other people entertain themselves with behavior like this?
An idea you can plant in another person’s head is way more influential than anything you might say.
I knew from this moment on, he’d always think of me as the guy who threw wild parties with a bunch of girls wearing random costumes. That’s the kind of clout you can’t buy.
I considered stepping it up a notch. Maybe I could say, “I’ve put a lot of mileage on their gorilla costume,” and then let my eyes get all wide and add, “Yeah, you know what I’m talking about.”
Most of the time people will say, “Yeah,” even if they have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about. I mean, how could they? I’m just making things up as I go.
Actually, I’ve met a few people who were a little too quick to agree with me, and that kind of freaked me out. I got the sense that they knew something I didn’t. I don’t like that.
But before I had a chance to make the gorilla comment, the call got picked up.
“Hello?”
I put up my finger to indicate Sophocles and Leonidas should be silent.
“Hey, a friend of mine needs a…” I turned, “What was it?”
Obviously, I remembered what kind of costume he wanted, but this was a convenient way to involve them in the conversation. Keep them interested…
“Dog costume,” Sophocles said.
“Dog costume,” I said.
The costume guy (actually it was a costume girl…), went to check. I spent the time going, “Yeah. Uh-huh. Umm.” Then I turned to Sophocles, “Any preference on color or breed? German Shepherd? Bulldog?
Schnauzer? Labrador? Alaskan Malamute, Golden…”
He was startled by these questions like I knew he would be. I was already giggling on the inside, it was hard to keep a straight face. Also, I couldn’t think of any more dog breeds.
Of course he hadn’t thought of what color or breed of dog costume he needed. He was just trying to get a prop for a school play!
The girl came back, “We don’t have a dog costume.”
“Okay.”
“We’ve got a duck!”
I had to bite my lip. That was perfect! It was perfect because it was so wrong!
Naturally, it was absolutely ridiculous to offer a duck costume in place of a dog costume, but I wasn’t about to admit that. I thought it would be way funnier to act as if that was a totally reasonable substitution and try to gaslight everyone into thinking Sophocles was the jerk if he turned it down.
…after all the effort I put in to help you solve your problem…
So, I took a deep breath and said, “There’s good news… But they don’t have a dog costume.”
“They don’t?”
“No.”
“Well, what do they have?”
Pause for effect.
“They’ve got a duck.”
“A duck?”
“That’s right… a duck!”
Sophocles looked devastated. It was so perfect. I waited until it looked as if Sophocles was about to speak and then started asking the costume girl for more details.
“What kind of duck? Mallard? Canvasback? Fulvous Whistling-duck?”
That broke Leonidas, he started to laugh.
“Oh, you don’t know? Well, what color is it? How big is the bill? Webbed feet I assume?” By now, Sophocles was giving me a look of panic. I was holding up my finger to indicate that he should remain silent. Every now and then I gave him my best “everything is going to be fine” nod, even though I knew he was afraid we weren’t on the same page at all.
Of course, a duck costume isn’t going to work when you need a dog costume! I love the fact that he didn’t think I knew that.
I played this out for a while and then finally finished with, “Any chance you can get ahold of a dog costume from somewhere?”
At this, Sophocles’s eyes lit up and he nodded eagerly.
The costume girl said she’d have a look.
“Okay, I’ll call you back later!” I said and hung up.
There was a moment of silence. Leonidas and Sophocles looked at me like they couldn’t believe what had just happened.
“Don’t worry buddy,” I said. “You need a dog costume, I’ll get you a dog costume.” Then I paused. “Or maybe a gorilla! A gorilla looks kind of like a dog when you’re crawling around on all fours right? Basically, anything will do, it’s just a stupid school play, am I right? Maybe a T-Rex?”
“I… er…” Sophocles said. “You know, I’ve got my girlfriend looking into it too.” He was slowly backing away.
“You sure? It’s no problem, really!”
“Yeah, I think we’ll get something. Thanks though.”
“You’d be surprised at how much a Fulvous Whistling duck can be made to look like a dog.”
“Yeah… er, no, I think it needs to be a dog costume.”
“Okay, just consider me your last resort if everything else falls through.”
By now Sophocles was running away.
I didn’t hear from him again. I think he did eventually get a dog costume from somewhere, though he might have had to make do with Goofy. Is Goofy a dog?
You gotta go Fulvous if your only other option is Goofy!
The point of this story is, the problem got solved and I got a good laugh out of it.
That’s what it takes to earn a nickname like “The Godfather of Lima.”
I have a lot of stories like this. Maybe I’ll share some more.
And, yeah, there really was a gorilla suit.
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You could have said it was a "The Donald" Duck costume. Then the audience would be in awe of his greatness. The quack of greatness.
🤣🤣🤣