How Book Signings Are Pretty Much Worthless for Unknown Writers
It's fun to dream of success, but don't get caught in a nightmare
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All writers dream of drawing big crowds and seeing their books fly off the shelves, but we always have to be mindful not to put the cart before the horse. I’ve been involved in enough failed events, that I’ve got a pretty good idea about what doesn’t work.
Most of the writers I know approach the marketing aspect of the business kicking and screaming. In some ways they have a point because a lot of the strategies you hear about aren’t tailored for our industry.
You haven’t won a gold medal. You haven’t won a championship. You aren’t the beneficiary of constant media attention. If all you’ve done is publish a book, nobody is likely to know anything about you.
Some writers do become such celebrities that they can reasonably schedule a book signing. However, if it’s your first book and your name and likeness has never appeared in the news, I don’t see how the idea of organizing a book signing could ever be seen as a reasonable suggestion.
Writers will never draw a crowd like a professional athlete
I still remember when the Packer’s starting QB came to my college town to sign autographs. This was after his first MVP season.
His table was set up at the sporting goods store in the local mall. The radio blasted the news incessantly, “The QB is coming!” They did such an effective job of advertising that even I, always indifferent to current events, heard about it.
At any given time, the starting QB for the Green Bay Packers is literally a folk hero in the state. When it comes to professional football teams, the Packers are unique. They’re the only community owned major league franchise. It’s a weird little quirk which means the NFL’s smallest market will never have to worry about losing its team. They might as well be the Appleton Packers or the Sheboygan Packers. Small Wisconsin towns feel a certain kinship.
When I heard the QB was coming to the mall, I thought, “Well, maybe I’ll walk over and have a look.” I entered near the food court at the other end of the mall from the sports store. A line of people looped through the dining area like a snake.
“What are you guys doing?”
“Waiting to see the QB.”
“But the sporting goods store is at the other end.”
They just looked at me like I was beyond help.
“Oh, so it’s a really long line.”
Writers don’t want that much attention
Any thought I had about maybe jumping into the line if it was short and getting an autograph disappeared. I certainly wasn’t about to wait around until closing time to get an autograph. But I thought that since I was there, I could walk through the sporting goods store and absorb this level of adulation.
So, I headed in the direction of the store. I think this experience was probably more impactful than waiting in line because I got a sense of the true power of celebrity. The line extended throughout the length of the mall and had to turn back on itself at the end. It wasn’t a single file line either, it was sometimes four or five people wide. There was a lot of interest.
I got to the sporting goods store and was mildly surprised that I wasn’t stopped by security. I was prepared to say, “I don’t care about football, I’m just here to buy a Greg LeMond jersey,” if somebody asked, but nobody did. I walked by the table where the QB sat. He looked like he was having a good time.
If you’ve never seen an NFL player in person, it’s kind of shocking how physically big they are. It was like Paul Bunyan had come to the mall. I think he was even wearing a flannel shirt.
I witnessed the event, and then left.
I’m telling this story because I think it represents the dream many authors have when they hear the words “book signing.” Having actually seen the dream made real, I think I’m better equipped to understand that this simply isn’t going to happen for any writer. You need to put it out of your mind. This isn’t for us. Book signings aren’t going to be like that.
What your book signing is actually going to look like
Imagine a cheap and uncomfortable folding chair.
Imagine a cheap and uncomfortable folding table.
Imagine the taste of cheap and awful coffee.
Now, imagine a fancy banner that was so expensive that you’ll have to sell 100 books just to recuperate the cost. On that banner is an author photo that’s so retouched that passers-by won’t even recognize it’s you.
Oh, you’re also surrounded by boxes and boxes of books. These books didn’t magically materialize there, you had to carry them. You had to leave them unattended by the folding table as you trudged out to the parking lot. Later on you’ll be embarrassed to reflect that at the beginning of the day, when you were still innocent and hopeful, you had a passing fear that the books might be stolen as you went to get more.
“Stolen! Ha!” mutters an older, wiser, and more bitter version of you as you lug every single one of your books back to your car. “For somebody to risk stealing something, they have to want it!”
Every writer is suckered into a premature signing
We get carried away by our dreams. Book promotion isn’t easy, so we turn to baseless assumptions.
“What do writers do? Oh, they have book signings! Let’s organize a few of those!”
Yeah.
That’s like organizing a ticker tape parade because you just won the Super Bowl. Except, in order to do that, you have to actually win the Super Bowl. You can’t make a trophy out of Aluminum foil and ride around in the back of a convertible hoisting it with the expectation the media will come and shower you with adulation.
Sometimes book signings are disguised as a “book launch.” Well, what does that mean? Most of the time it means you’re stuck standing by a banner of yourself as, once again, nobody turns up. A book launch is like a book signing but you don’t even have the benefit of the cheap and uncomfortable folding chair.
Don’t commit to nebulous events
The reason writers get into these situations is because they appeal to the ego. “Ah, what will happen? Well, thousands of people will come and they’ll tell me they loved my book. Then I’ll sign the pages and they’ll look at me with adoration, and…”
No, no, no!
Look, in all things you have to trust your true writer instinct. You’re a writer! You don’t want to be sitting at the mall talking to people. You want to be sitting in front of your computer in your pajamas and bunny slippers sipping a decent coffee out of your mug.
That’s your reality, and any deviation from that reality should be seen as an abomination!
If I want to indulge in the fantasy of a book signing, I’ll just remember the quarterback autograph event and then “imagination Photoshop” my face in place of his. Boom! Done! I’ve now had 85% of that experience.
When it comes to little old, virtually unknown me making a public appearance, it can’t be nebulous. I need to know exactly what I’ll be doing for every minute I’m away from my pajamas, coffee mug, and computer.
Unless you’re famous, a book signing is a guaranteed flop
I don’t care how big you write my name on the marquee, most people walking by aren’t even going to pause to read it. Writers like to dream, but it’s too soul crushing unless you are tethered to reality on this point.
Writing books is not akin to the instant gratification of a sporting event. Sporting events are all about the present moment. They burn hot and then nobody ever revisits them. They’re fireworks. BAM! The crowd goes “Ooh-Ahh!” Sporting events are made for signing autographs.
Books are like a huge oak log you throw on your fire because you know it’s going to burn for three days. It smolders. Maybe, at the very end, you see a flame. It’s not about the spectacle, it’s about the cozy feeling you impart upon the observer’s soul. That’s not an “Ooh-Ahh” moment and it never will be.
What to do instead
Instead of a book signing, schedule a talk. Write some jokes. Bring some props. Show some photos. Have an escape plan. Understand that most of the people who come to see you only want to hand you a manuscript and ask if you’ll pass it on to your publisher.
To be honest, I almost never do readings. Maybe years from now if I’ve ever written anything people feel strongly about, I will. For now, I find my presentations are more effective when they’re based on audience interaction.
At the end of the talk, leave 10 minutes for a “meet and greet.” Don’t bring more books than you can reasonably expect to sell. Create a sense of scarcity! “Oops, I don’t have enough copies, I didn’t expect this much demand!”
That’s better than saying, “I have boxes and boxes and boxes of books! Every room in my house is overflowing with these books. Please take them. PLEASE!”
Establish that you’re on a rigid schedule and keep looking at your watch. You’re keeping important people waiting! You’re a mover and a shaker! Don’t lurk around your own event. If somebody schedules a book signing that lasts from 8AM to 5PM, you’re going to end up lurking. Don’t agree to that.
Writers really are at their best when we’re planted in front of our computers in our pajamas engaging in flights of fancy. Far too often, the dream of a book signing greatly exceeds the reality.
Your writing time is your opportunity to dream. In all other things, focus on giving yourself the best possible chance at success.
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When I published my book, "Opera for People Who Don't Like It," I held a couple of book signings, one of which included a reading. Both events ended up being embarrassing. Nobody wanted to buy my book. I was under the semi-illusion that if you went to a book signing you were expected to buy a book, but that idea didn't reach any of my audience.
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