How Sad It Is to See People Compelled by the Seductive Power Of Hate

We need to stop being so obsessed with punishing each other — punishment doesn’t work

Recently, I’ve found myself overcome with sorrow. I’ve been working hard to understand and process this feeling. Only this morning I realized that my sadness is a result of witnessing so many people gleefully embrace an ideology of hatred.

It breaks my heart to watch misguided people embark on a path to self-destruction. I take no joy in observing them succumb to misery.

Why is it that our society fails to recognize that hatred never provides any sort of solution? Hatred only makes things worse.

What you put out into the universe comes back to you. Yet so many people become euphoric at the idea of spraying poison into the very community where they live and eat and breathe. They do this again and again and again, growing ever more frustrated as they helplessly witness their world deteriorating around them.

Then they look for scapegoats to blame, and another round of hatred is initiated.

They’re so committed to this ideology of failure that they refuse to even recognize there might be another way.

There is another way.

If you find yourself in the depths of despair, you can take comfort in recognizing the power of expelling hatred from your own heart.

Hatred is self perpetuating. When you dabble in hatred, it makes you begin to hate the things you used to love. The hatred gets larger and bigger until it consumes your life. Soon, hatred is the only thing you have to keep you alive. It takes the place of everything else.

You lash out at compassion.

You make a mockery of empathy.

You drive away any chance of love.

All hatred is wrong. People think they can indulge in things like “righteous hatred.” They want to hate people that they perceive to be guilty of committing terrible crimes. The language of “sin” is the language of hate. But when you indulge in any form of hatred, you only make things worse.

You don’t stop negative behavior by hating it. Punishment doesn’t work. If it did, all our problems would have been solved long ago because if there’s one thing human beings have done to excess throughout history, it’s punish each other.

Punishment fails. Punishment creates more problems.

You stop negative behavior by making people recognize the terrible consequences of those behaviors. Most people will change if they see how their actions hurt others, or themselves.

I said “most.”

Yes, it’s plausible that some people do want to inflict pain, even on themselves. But we don’t know how many. Is this behavior innate or learned? We don’t know. So we shouldn’t default to disparaging speculation about all of humanity.

In the absence of evidence, don’t assume the worst. That’s another aspect of hate.

People are inclined to jump to the end and say, “Well, some people are just evil and they must be stopped.”

But when they paint with that broad of a stroke, they cover up all the innocents who are simply misguided or ignorant or careless or suffering. There are a LOT of explanations besides “that person is evil” and we have an obligation to humanity to explore ALL of them.

Besides, if people are evil there is no hope. There’s no point in trying. Therefore, we must not adopt this fatalistic perspective. We must maintain our hope in underlying decency to keep us motivated.

The indisputable fact is that we don’t know. We haven’t invented a scientific process that allows us to look into the heart of humanity and assess the level of evil that’s present. We don’t have that data. So we cannot assume that there is no chance of forging a better world.

Dwelling in hatred is lazy.

People argue that hate is justified in response to a horrific act. They’ll say I’m being naive. They will try to say that I don’t have experience in such matters.

But I have seen terrible things.

I was at the crime scene where an 11 year old girl was raped and murdered. I directed the police to where her body lay in the woods. I’ve been processing the tangle of emotions churned up by that horrific experience for three years.

It made me feel a lot of things, but not hate.

I’ve felt anger, I’ve felt terror, I’ve felt sorrow, I’ve felt despair. But I never once felt hate.

When something like that happens, it doesn’t provoke a single emotional response. You don’t react and then forget. Instead, your emotions change over time. You want to resist even recognizing that the horrible thing happened. You try out all sorts of approaches until you find something that you can live with. You want to do what you can to prevent such a thing from ever happening again.

Eventually, you have to accept the reality of the world and what happened. But there’s no place for hate. Hate does not help.

I feel sorrow. I feel sorrow for the life that was taken too soon. I feel sorrow for the contorted mindset, driven by hate, that compelled a confused individual to commit this horrible crime.

Hate is what caused this agony.

We cannot combat this kind of tragedy by introducing more hate.

Our children are forced to grow up within a cesspool of hate. It’s out there in our communities. It’s out there in our streets. Hate is broadcast from the television, and flows from the mouths of our politicians.

Hate whispers like a monster in the night. It grooms our children until they consider indulging in acts of self-destruction and misery. Sometimes they aren’t whispers. Sometimes they’re spoken openly. Sometimes they’re shouted.

I expect that the person who murdered that girl transformed his own life into a state of perpetual agony. How could he not regret what he has done? I’m certain that the consequences of his actions have been other than he predicted.

How can he even look at himself?

Who would willingly transform their life into such an expression of pain?

For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. If you spew hatred into the world, hatred comes back to you. Why would you do that? The only reason I can think of is that people are confused. They are lashing out in desperation. They are the architects of their own harm and they don’t even realize what they’re doing.

The concept of how to change behavior is something you learn by raising children. I’ve been a parent for 14 years. Being a parent isn’t like other obligations. It’s not like going to college and listening to a fifty minute class. Being a parent requires your undivided attention for every second of your life.

Every mistake is magnified.

Everything you do influences your children. The tone of your voice influences your children. Your casual expressions influence your children.

It’s daunting, but I’ve found comfort in the resolution to respond to my children only with compassion, affection, understanding, and love. Just remember that, and you’ll be fine. Expel all forms of hate.

The prevailing attitude reflected in the whispers of the monsters is that you can correct a child’s behavior through punishment. I contend that punishment is nothing more than one of the many disguised forms of hate.

People say, “Well, if you don’t punish behaviors, you’re giving your children permission to behave badly.” But that is a flawed assessment. It’s oversimplified. It’s another example of binary thinking that dismisses the existence of an infinite number of other possibilities.

Don’t be so confident in absolutes.

You don’t have to punish your children. I know this because I’ve never punished mine.

When they do something wrong, I don’t respond with hate. Instead, I respond with sorrow. If they break a dish, I’m not angry about the dish. I’m afraid that they will be cut by the shards. I urge them to be careful in the future because I don’t want them to endure pain.

I’m not motivated by hate.

I’m motivated by love. In doing this, I don’t drive my children away. I draw them closer. They see how we are not adversaries. Instead, we are companions working together to navigate a path that’s filled with obstacles and dangers.

We don’t hate the challenges that confront us. Hatred represents wasted energy. Hatred represents denial. It’s impractical. There’s nothing to be gained from that.

Instead, we try to understand what’s before us. Instead of lashing out, we provide a soothing touch. We work to take the pain away. We are committed to healing and growth.

In embracing this philosophy, we achieve progress.

Over the last few weeks, I’ve felt an enormous amount of sorrow. I turn on the news and I see so many people who are celebrating their self-destructive commitment to hatred.

I feel sad because I know the pain that awaits them. They’re listening to the whispers of monsters, and that council will only lead to self-destruction.

Unfortunately, there is no easy solution, but I can provide a little bit of advice.

If hatred is wearing you out, the first thing you have to do is stop indulging in hatred yourself. Take the hatred out of your own heart. It helps.

Hatred is often camouflaged by laughter or tradition or pride. It’s compelling. That’s why it has had such a hold on humanity for all of history. There’s a temptation to keep hatred because you enjoy the associated pleasures. But if you feel that much of your life is spent dwelling in misery, grievance, and sorrow, then have the courage to make a change.

Don’t succumb to hatred. Learn how to laugh without mockery. Learn how to celebrate shared achievements. Learn how to help those around you navigate the treacherous path that leads to personal prosperity. Go together.

Above all, stop blaming external forces for your failures. You won’t be happy until you expel the hatred from your heart.

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