I Saved Optimus Prime's Head

A prank from back when I was a reckless traveler

2007 was a good year for me. I’d just met the love of my life and most of what I did was designed, in one way or another, to impress her. We were living in Lima, Peru in a horrible little apartment that cost $100 a month. That price included electricity, water, and cable television that was shared throughout the building.

During the day we were English teachers. During the evenings we played poker with various members of the expat community. I employed a tactic of “soft-collusion” to help our chances. All that meant was that I was content to lose to my wife (then girlfriend) and that informed my betting. If she showed strength, I’d retire even if I had a decent hand. Often, the table came down to myself, my wife and some schmuck. That gave us a 2 out of 3 chance of winning.

There were many nights where we won enough to go get dinner and a movie. Those were glorious days.

In 2007, the first Transformers movie was released. The marketing campaign in Lima featured billboards with gigantic heads offset from the wall. On the right was Megatron, on the left was Optimus Prime. Spotlights shown down on the faces from above the billboard, and there were even lights implanted behind the eyes.

Those billboards were cool!

I grew up in the 80s, and the Transformers has been a part of my life for almost as long as Star Wars and Indiana Jones. I remember ordering my own Optimus Prime from the Sears wish book. We had to drive into town to get it when it finally arrived. That was a big day.

I still have my Optimus Prime toy. For some reason, I also have C-3PO and an anonymous Stormtrooper. What happened to all my Lukes and Han Solos? I was particularly fond of Bespin Luke. These things are lost in the sands of time.

Perhaps it was frustration over the loss of my childhood toys that made me feel possessive when Optimus Prime’s giant head got installed on the billboards all over Lima.

This movie wasn’t for everybody.

This movie was for me.

Optimus Prime was mine!

The billboard was right at street level and it had been planted on Avenida Jose Pardo about halfway between the Ovalo de Miraflores and our apartment. After work, I’d meet up with my wife at Cafe Haiti, and then we’d walk home together.

Every day, we had to walk by that billboard. Optimus Prime’s head called to me.

“Free me!” it said.

“I need to save Optimus Prime’s head,” I said to my wife.

She thought I was joking.

Perhaps if I’d only seen the billboard from a distance, or perhaps if it had been hung up on the wall of a building, I would have been able to resist. But this billboard was at street level. Fate had placed it in my path! Every day my shoulder brushed up against it as I walked along with my wife.

One day I stopped and examined the head with greater care.

“What are you doing?” my wife asked. Then her eyes widened as I reached down and gave the corner an experimental tug.

Riiiiip! It went.

The head came partially away.

“Ah-ha!” I said, then I left it and we went home.

In the days that followed, there was a steady build up of tension and excitement. My wife realized I’d become fixated on freeing that head!

From the moment we met at Cafe Haiti, my wife knew what I was planning. She’s never been one to scold me. She thought the whole thing was kind of funny. That’s a big part of the reason why we’re married.

Every day we’d pass the billboard and I’d free it a little more. I pulled away the bottoms and the sides. Eventually, Optimus Prime’s head was only affixed by the glue at the top.

“Don’t worry Optimus! I’ll get you out of there!”

By now, The Transformers was ending its theatrical run in Lima. There came the day of the massive street party. Once the celebration had ended, the city was quiet. The streets were empty. Once again I found myself walking home with my wife. The eyes of Optimus Prime glowed at me in the distance.

“Today’s the day!” I muttered.

I approached the billboard, grabbed Optimus Prime’s head at the bottom, and gave it a tremendous yank. For a moment, I didn’t think it was going to come free. Then, the final band of resistance broke and Optimus Prime’s head caught the breeze and danced in my hands like a kite.

I still had one problem though, there was a cable affixed to the light attached to the eye. “Drat!” I thought. It would be a shame to come so close and fail. I pulled back and gave the head a final jerk and was pleased to see the eye light pull away.

It was meant to be! I was meant to have this!

Now I was stuck with the problem of carrying the gigantic head back to the apartment. I held it lengthwise the way you’d carry a door. I turned to leave and saw a man and a woman approaching. They were a young couple like us.

The way my wife tells the story, the woman gave me a look that said, “What are you doing?” However, the man looked at me like, “Dude, you’re my hero!”

I carried Optimus Prime’s head several blocks then up the six flights of stairs to get him into our apartment. My wife turned on the television, convinced that every news program would have a video of me ripping the head from the wall. She was giggling with excitement, but she knew I just had to have that head.

Today, Optimus Prime’s head is safely stored in the home of my wife’s parents. If not for me, he likely would have ended up in some landfill. In fact, the day after I saved him, all the Transformers billboards were removed from the city.

Again, it was fate. When fate tells you to do something, it’s better not to resist. Life is like playing cards. There are powers at work beyond our control.

In the end, there was never a whisper about the billboard’s disappearance on the news. Nobody cared about Optimus Prime’s head.

Nobody but me.

Yesterday, my family went to see Transformers: Rise of the Beasts. The film brought back some memories. It takes place in, of all places, Peru. As we sat in the theater, it was delightful to see Cusco, Machu Picchu, and Sacsayhuamán on the big screen. Isn’t it striking how things come full circle?

It would have been perfect if they’d included security footage of some joker freeing Optimus Prime’s head to impress his girlfriend. 

Or, maybe it’s already perfect as it is.