Invisible Data Can Provide Insight Into Apparently Insurmountable Obstacles

It’s easy to get caught up in self-deception when you refuse to acknowledge your own limitations

I know you have a lot of options! Thanks for reading, and thanks for your support!

My college Physics professor told a story that illustrated the dangers of misinterpreting incomplete information. During World War II, the Royal Air Force took note of planes that returned to base after sustaining damage. An officer ordered a study to determine where the planes should be armored.

The resulting report demonstrated the areas of concern. But when the commanding officer went to the hangar, he found the engineers adding armor in all the wrong places.

“What are you doing?” he said. “The inquiry showed that our planes get hit in the wings and tail.”

“No,” replied the chief engineer. “The inquiry showed where planes could take damage and still fly. We don’t have data from the planes that didn’t make it back.”

Human beings are very good at drawing conclusions from incomplete information. However, it’s easy to become so fixated on what you think you know, that you disregard anything that is not immediately obvious. If you aren’t mindful about the limitations of your own perceptions, there are some insights that will remain forever out of reach.

Learning how to treat people with respect

I grew up in a bully culture. I knew only my own experience, and could not guess the experience of others. We all need some time to find our way in the world.

I thought provoking people people was a game. The objective was to always push the envelope and get an emotional response. This was the behavior that was modeled for me, and that was the behavior I adopted.

Some people quickly learn the drawbacks of such a system. It’s natural to become resentful of a contest you always lose.

But my experience within the bully culture was unique. I’m quick witted and I enjoy playing with words. I could always come up with something devastating to say. A lot of people have stories about how they can’t think up a good retort until it’s past useful. I don’t have stories like that. I regularly had the last word.

It took me a long time to learn the value of remaining silent. I still dream up devastating remarks. But I’ve learned I prefer the kind of life that comes from choosing kindness over spite.

A positive response, a negative response, or no response

When I made a comment in social settings, people would either express approval or disapproval. Those responses were the only thing that meant anything to me. Positive or negative was the only outcome I recognized.

Looking back, there were plenty of times when I received feedback that came in a third form. Sometimes people went silent as if pretending I hadn’t said anything.

It took me a long time to understand that “no response” often contained more information than the other two. As I grew older, the level of tolerance eroded. People who offered “no response” would often gently excuse themselves from my company and never return.

“No response” was a mystery to me. It represented information I couldn’t comprehend. If it wasn’t “yes” or “no” then what was it?

What motivates people who don’t engage?

What were they thinking? Where did they go? Why did they respond like that? If I’d said something they didn’t like, why didn’t they just say so?

I didn’t have answers to those questions.

For a long time, I adopted the philosophy that I had to push people into showing either approval or disapproval. I preferred when I made people laugh, but at least I got information when they became angry. When they didn’t respond at all, I didn’t know what to think.

I’d keep pushing until I got a reaction I understood. This was data manipulation. The people I engaged with kept getting further and further away.

I discovered that if you don’t unravel the mystery of “no response,” you end up getting ghosted.

What does “no response” mean?

When people don’t engage with you, they’re making an important statement. They’re telling you that they don’t want to play. If you refuse to listen to that, you’ll end up alone.

It’s not about “winning” or “losing,” it’s about their preference for a different game. Demanding an answer is an attempt to draw them back out onto your field.

Nobody has any obligation to prove to your satisfaction why your behavior is inappropriate. There’s a basic level of respect that you must meet if you want to develop strong and healthy relationships.

I often reflect on my youth when I used to delight in saying mean things to people. The rule was that you were basically allowed to say anything you wanted up to the point when somebody told you the words were hurtful.

The unwritten rule was that they had to tell you. I learned this rule by modeling the bully culture of my childhood. Even then I knew when I was saying something mean. I didn’t have to be told. I expect the other bullies knew this as well.

Strive to be worthy of the trust people give you

The confusing part about all this is that I grew up cultivating a sense of affection even for people who adopted cruelty as their basic personality. Why do we fall in love with abusive people? What happens to the love that’s given to those who aren’t worthy?

Is that emotion tainted somehow?

What about the people who fall in love with you even when you’re committed to a disrespectful worldview? Are they falling in love with the potential of what you might become, or have they just been deceived? Perhaps, like a child, they’re helpless and afraid of being alone. In that case, was it ever really love at all?

Maybe people leave you because they get tired of playing the same old game. You have the choice to follow them out of the arena and try something new. The way out can be found by recognizing that “no response” is a valid answer.

Don’t be deceived by things you can’t see

I know a lot of people who are trapped within a confined worldview because they refuse to recognize the existence of invisible data. In fact, they’d laugh at me if I tried to bring it up. They’d claim it doesn’t exist.

But I’ve also found among this population a subset that’s clever enough to hide their motivation in the places others have been trained not to look. Their denial of invisible data is a camouflage. They know full well that it exists, but they want to practice plausible deniability when they say and do things that cause harm.

“This is the game we play. This is the only game that exists.”

It’s comforting to believe in the simplicity of yes and no, or off and on, or right and wrong. Unfortunately we’re rarely in a circumstance where we can make those distinctions with absolute certainty. Sometimes insights that are a step removed from obvious can invert your entire sense of reality.

Some people leverage this complexity to their own gain. It’s astonishingly easy to get tricked into working against your own best interests. We can’t afford to let ourselves forget about the information carried by those that did not make it back.

Thank you for listening! This publication is reader sponsored. Your support means the world to me. Thank you for being here, and I look forward to sharing more thoughts with you tomorrow!

Upgrade at 30% off

Upgrade at 40% off

Upgrade at 50% off

Upgrade at 60% off

Twenty dollars a year

My CoSchedule referral link

Here’s my referral link to my preferred headline analyzer tool. If you sign up through this, it’s another way to support this newsletter (thank you).