Remember How Everyone Celebrated When the Emperor In 'Star Wars' Died?
There were fireworks and songs and people dancing in the street
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Hello Friends,
This morning I found myself reflecting on completely fictitious people. People who bear no resemblance to anyone living or dead. Eventually, my thoughts turned to Emperor Palpatine.
You know, the sphincter faced tyrant from Star Wars with the tiny little hands? Does everyone remember that jerk? He was the one who got the galaxy into stupid wars just because he was constantly insecure about his own power. Every time he spoke, people cringed because he couldn't put two sentences together.
Does that ring a bell?
I understand there's some backstory about how he's a nepo baby and his father got rich because he owned a prostitution ring, but I could be wrong on that. Anyway, the guy is a flat out jerk.
Emperor Palpatine I'm talking about now. The dude from Star Wars.
Anyway, I was reflecting on 1997 when the special edition of the trilogy had a theatrical release. They had this really great teaser trailer. It showed a television set with an X-wing flying around. Then the narrator said, “If you've only seen Star Wars on a small screen, you haven't really seen it.” Then the X-wing came through the television screen and started blasting at the audience.
Perfect message. Remember, it's Star Wars I'm talking about.
The special editions had a staggered release, but I noticed that there were still theaters playing all three movies when Return of the Jedi came out. So, I called up a friend and proposed that we go to the Twin Cities to watch all three films on the big screen in one day.
What the heck right?
I did that with Lord of the Rings too, but that's another story.
So, we watched the films even though some of them had rather dubious changes. If you know the special editions, you know that a lot was added to the ending of Return of the Jedi.
I mean, the Emperor was just this total bastard right? He did things like cut funding for cancer research. He impeded the ability of children to get a good education because he knew knowledge is the pathway to prosperity. Just an all around jerk.
You ended up with a dystopian society where everyone was beholden to him. That's how patriarchal systems always work. The patriarch is this insecure little rat that can only feel big by making everyone else small. So, instead of turning and facing the challenges of life like a man, he turns around and finds some children to beat up on.
Total jackhole.
Everyone hates the Emperor. He forces his minions to walk around behind him saying, “Thank you” all the time. Pathetic. He probably smelled like ass.
So, in Return of the Jedi, he dies. He gets flushed down a huge toilet bowl in a noxious cloud of his own gas. It's awful. It's so bad that when it actually happens, the main characters are too busy keeping themselves from vomiting to even celebrate.
The celebration comes later.
There's this extended scene where the film shows planet after planet. I mean, this death has an impact on the entire universe. Even though some planets are presumably hundreds or even thousands of light years away, somehow, they all know when he dies right when it happens.
Then, like magic, they all organize these big, beautiful celebrations of the Emperor's death. They're all out chanting, “Yay! The Emperor is dead!” Space ships are flying by setting off fireworks. People are dancing in the streets. Weird futuristic music is playing. People are holding up the glowing orb of happiness again. It's just the best time ever!
All because the pathetic little asshole with the small hands and the prune face who made everyone's life miserable for as long as they could remember had finally gotten flushed down a toilet shaft—Emperor Palpatine I'm talking about. He dies at the end. It's awesome.
This celebration goes on and on, but the thing is nobody gets bored. Even when I watched it in 1997 after watching two whole movies prior to that, I happily sat there and reveled in the celebration of the death of a truly repugnant character.
It's a movie character, not a real human being.
I was clutching my popcorn and dancing in my seat and singing along, “Yee-haw, the Emperor is dead, he will not be missed, what a repugnant little disrespectful smelly toad. He'll go down in history as the worst person who ever lived. Nobody loved or respected that guy. He was universally loathed. Every year they'll celebrate his death and stomp little effigies of that guy into mud in remembrance of how awful he was. What a legacy!”
You see, we weren't really celebrating the death of a person. We were celebrating the death of evil. Evil itself had died. It got flushed down the toilet and everyone cheered!
“Hooray! The loathsome thing is finally gone! He can no longer push his nasty, miserable face into our lives! Go away and never come back! You will not be missed! We're just trying to forget you ever lived!”
Emperor Palpatine I'm talking about. The guy with the tiny little hands that barely came out the end of his Jedi robes. The guy who had mean nicknames for everyone. Darth Vader wasn't even that guy's name. The Emperor used to give his minions new nicknames the moment they started working for him. He robbed people of their identities. He thought it was hilarious.
Jackass.
I mean, watching him die and watching the universe celebrate didn't erase all the awful things he did. There were times during that trilogy when evil seemed insurmountable. Remember when they cut off Luke's hand? The Empire was always oppressing and hurting and dismembering people.
We say, “You shouldn't celebrate anyone's death, they're all human beings...”
But what about the human beings that are literally tortured for years, for decades, under the regime of a tyrannical Emperor? I mean, hundreds or even thousands of kids were dying every single day. That's what happens when you stop world aid, and you cut cancer research, and you gut the department of education.
Emperor Palpatine I'm talking about. Total jackass.
When somebody like that dies, there has to be a pressure release. The whole galaxy was living under constant anxiety. They all were sitting around thinking, “Will I be next. Will I be the next person the Emperor murders—because the damn laws don't apply to him and he can do whatever he wants?”
Then you get the news that he's dead and the relief you feel isn't because of the suffering of another human being. You feel that relief because the pressure is gone. The suffering for so many has ended.
“Hooray! Kids aren't going to be murdered any more! We can give aid to the galaxy! Education is available again! The obstacle that stopped kindness and decency is gone! Awesome! Let's dance and sing and kiss in the street!”
That's what you're celebrating and it's good. You're celebrating a return to an era of humanity.
Go and watch the ending of Return of the Jedi again—the special edition. Watch how much everyone celebrates when the Emperor dies. His nature is so miserable and oppressive that the news spreads instantaneously across space and time. Nobody ever organized a parade so fast! Unlike other parades, everybody dropped whatever they were doing to come and attend.
Human beings celebrate the death of evil! There's nothing wrong with that because, when you stop and think about it, it's really a celebration of life.
Emperor Palpatine I'm talking about. Nobody cried any tears when that jackass got flushed. Good riddance the universe said.
Good riddance!
Then the sequel trilogies had to ruin it by bringing him back for another term, but we won’t talk about that.
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Hopefully Emperor Trumpetine won't rise from the dead like the Star Wars villain.
Back in, what, 1977, I saw Star Wars again and again on the big screen. Same thing for The Empire Strikes Back, and, for me, the final one, The Return of the Jedi. Using the ordained numbering system, IV, V, VI. And then I stopped. Because I got very busy for many years. Harrison Ford got really old, and so did Mark Hamill. We lost Carrie Fisher and Alec Guiness. I wonder if your summary of the death of Emperor Palpatine, the character I knew only as The Emperor, will get me to review the entire series? No, as with another sphincter-faced goon, I have seen enough.