The First Step Towards Finding the Answers is Learning Not to Be Afraid
I understood that my mental health had improved when I went abroad and no longer felt culture shock
I see a lot of myself in my daughters. They are eager to do what is expected of them, and they become distressed if they sense anything that might be considered “inappropriate.”
When my eldest daughter was young, I took her to the lumberyard to get some materials for a home project. There was a sign on the wall that said children weren’t allowed to go to the second level. No matter how many times I told her it was okay, she insisted on standing dutifully by that sign to demonstrate that she accepted and respected the rules.
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Even though it was heartwarming to watch, I also feared she was placing too much faith in the illusion of authority. We find comfort in the idea that there is protection in compliance. Sometimes the opposite is true. Fear can make us embrace behaviors that are detrimental to our own well-being.
During the ten years I lived abroad, I came to realize the extent to which my mental construct of authority exerted a negative influence on my life. Like my daughter, I stopped myself from going to the second floor.
It was only when I immersed myself in a different culture that I realized the consequences I most feared were no more real than the monsters of fairy tales.
Beware of anything you believe without question
Einstein urged us to question everything, but that is easier said than done. When you are unable to find a solution, it’s because one of your basic assumptions is incorrect. Out of pure stubbornness, we cling to beliefs that are astonishingly easy to disprove.
The most effective way to get somebody to believe something that isn’t true is to convince them they’re not allowed to ask any questions. The specter of authority creates blind spots that halt personal growth.
This is why traveling abroad has such a tremendous capacity to widen your perceptions. When you go somewhere new, nothing is familiar. You can’t rely on any of your old patterns. You are forced by necessity to ask questions. Before you know it, you get caught up in a current of curiosity, and you end up embracing lines of inquiry that never would have occurred to you in your old life.
How our perceptions change
A strange thing happens when we grow. From our viewpoint, it appears as if the world has changed and not us.
When my daughter was in second grade, I took her to visit her sister at preschool. My eldest daughter walked through the classroom that used to be hers. “The table and chairs got smaller,” she said.
“No, you got bigger,” I replied.
Both of my daughters now play their soccer games on the adult field. They had their first tournament last weekend. On the way back to the car, they walked past the field where they used to play. It seemed as tiny as a plastic dump truck in a sandbox. “How did we ever play on a field that small?”
It seemed almost comical. But if you’d asked them two months earlier about playing on the larger field, the idea would have paralyzed them.
“No, we’re not supposed to play there.”
Living abroad
Living in a foreign country where I didn’t speak the language was a tremendous opportunity for growth. My conscious thoughts were occupied with expanding my vocabulary and struggling with the verb tenses. However, I was less aware that other areas of my perception were also being broken down and rebuilt.
When you can’t speak, you focus on observation. I came to realize certain facial expressions didn’t mean what I thought they did. What I assumed to be a flash of anger sometimes turned out to be a precursor to humor.
Like my daughter, I’m inclined to avoid conflict. If I saw a sign that said I could go no further, like her, I was content to stand and obey. The problem is that when you avoid conflict, you’re also deprived of opportunity.
There are good things beyond those warning signs. Sometimes, the warnings are lies.
When you go to a foreign place where you can’t read the signs, you end up heedlessly marching into new territory both to your peril and to your gain. You might be surprised to discover how readily you rise to the occasion.
Welcome to the big field.
“I don’t think we’re supposed to do this”
We live much of our lives desperate to avoid consequences that will never come. This can manifest in multiple ways. There seems to be safety in following the crowd, but the older I get, the more I take the road, which is less traveled.
Last weekend, at my daughter’s soccer tournament, the parking lot seemed to be overflowing with vehicles. Yet, I passed on a spot that was near the exit.
“What are you doing?” my kids asked.
“I want to see if there’s anything closer,” I said. “If there isn’t, you can get out and I’ll come back here.”
My kids were skeptical about this course of action. They assumed all the closer spots must have already been taken. But when we arrived, we found plenty.
“If there were spots up here, why did everyone park so far away?”
“Because they were complying with an imaginary expectation.”
We stop ourselves from asking for a raise, or changing jobs, or moving to a new city, or even taking a trip. We huddle in terror at the thought of actions we assume are undesirable, and we rarely test our self-imposed boundaries.
Culture shock goes away with personal growth
It used to be that when I traveled between countries, it was like passing through an airlock into a different reality. I’d step off a plane and my senses would be overloaded by all the things that were different. In the old days, that provoked a reaction that was equal parts terror and excitement.
These days, I no longer get culture shock when I go abroad. The worldview I have now is driven by curiosity rather than discouraged by panic.
In my travels, I discovered that the specter of inescapable authority doesn’t exist. Once you dispossess yourself of that background fear, you’ll find a point of understanding with virtually every stranger you meet.
We spend our lives being told that we need to walk before we can run. But don’t be so afraid to fall that you deprive yourself of the chance to fly.
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I agree wholeheartedly with your assessment. From my own experience and observations, here is my contribution.
When I was in the Peace Corps at 40, one of the things I noticed was being engulfed in another country's superstitions (authority, learned limits) allows a clear view of the ones I absorbed from my own country.
There was an incident where a chameleon was in a tree early on in my village in Gambia. It seemed like the entire village circled the tree. They were going to kill it just like they would have if it had been a cobra, which also lived there. I was horrified that they would kill such an animal, and I almost stepped in to move it myself to get it out of harm's way. What I later learned is that if I would have touched the chameleon, I would have been moved to another village because they believe that if you touch a chameleon, it steals your colors. Seeing as how I would have maintained my colors, they would have labeled me a witch.
Another immediate discovery of my ingrained beliefs was that Africa didn't match the image of all those commercials asking for money to 'save the children' that I'd seen my entire life. You know the ones with the crying child who is dripping snot down his face while the flies circle him. I realized I had adopted the belief that no one in Africa (a very large land mass) was happy. They lived knowing that we Americans lived better than they did, and since it was every human's desire on earth to live like we did, they were sad. And poor. And cried a lot. Let me tell you what a surprise it was to realize all I had taken in from those commercials! I found people who laughed, played, and wanted the best for their family. Just like I did. It was a weird discovery, and I was astounded at how much those commercials had shaped my unconscious thinking. American exceptionalism in peak myth (or perhaps delusional marketing) form.
I've come to check marketing for the foundation of all our beliefs. Diamonds? Marketing. Religion? Marketing. Clean floors? Marketing. Marriage? Marketing. All of these things get into the fiber of our being from an early age, and we just start believing they are 'human nature'. It's fascinating.
Absolutely, Walter. There is no doubt that exploration, curiosity and openness to other people and cultures totally changes our perspectives. Check out a new series of human-AI generated podcasts on the Young Professionals Playbook. Here is one I contributed to on curiosity: https://youngprofessionalsplaybook.com/Curiosity_Code/