When the Vet Sent Us to Collect a Pee Sample From the Dog
Ah... the fun memories and adventures that come from pet ownership
The vet told me I needed to collect a pee sample from the dog.
“How the heck am I supposed to do that?”
“I do it with a ladle,” the vet's assistant said.
“Well, why don't you do it right now?”
“We tried, he doesn't have to go.”
“Maybe we could give him a beer?”
The vet and the vet's assistant didn't say anything. They just stood there looking at me and used their psychic powers to suggest I shouldn't give the dog any more beer.
Kuzo didn't look at me. He was ready to go. He was scratching at the door. “Get me out of this horror show. Do you know what they just did to me. I gotta get home!”
“Fine, I'll figure out a way to collect his pee.”
The vet's assistant handed me a plastic bag with the hazard sign on it and a plastic syringe thing. There was also a test tube. “Fill it up to the black line.”
“Okay.”
I got Kuzo home. It was a muddy day and his paws were all dirty. He left mud prints all over the car. But that's okay, he was smiling at me. “I'm glad to get out of there, can we stop for a steak?”
“No.”
The girls met me at the door. It was spring break, so they were at home. I told them our mission.
“How are we supposed to do that?” they said.
“Well, first of all, we have to make him drink.” I pointed to Kuzo's water bowl. “Kuzo! Drink!”
Kuzo just looked at me with his big yellow eyes.
“He doesn't want to drink daddy.”
“I guess we have to make him thirsty.”
“How do we do that?”
“Give him something salty to eat.” I grabbed a box of Triscuits. Kuzo's mouth began to water. He likes those. I gave him Triscuit after Triscuit. Then I took a piece of pepperoni and sunk it in his water bowl. He basically had to drink the whole bowl just to get it.
“That should do it.”
“What do we do now?”
“Now we need to make something to collect it with.”
I looked at the plastic container that held all our cooking utensils. I regarded the silver ladle my wife had received as a wedding present. I lifted it gently.
From the corner of the room, Kuzo gave me a skeptical look.
“Don't worry, I'm not using this,” I said. Then I turned to the kids for help. “Kids! Help me find something I can tape to the fire poker.”
Kuzo didn't like the sound of that. He glowered at me.
“I'll be gentle, I'll be gentle!”
The kids found a couple of perfectly good plastic containers in the recycling. I grabbed one and taped it to the fire poker. I taped it at an angle and thought myself very clever. We gave Kuzo another hour to process the bowl of water he'd just gobbled up. Then we grabbed the leash and Kuzo was jumping at the door.
“Alright, alright, alright.”
My daughter held the leash and I held the makeshift poker. We went outside and despite the fact that I was ready for it, Kuzo was fast. A dog is quick on the draw when it comes to peeing. I scrambled to get in position and I shoved the poker where it needed to go.
Kuzo gave me a look that said, “Dude? Seriously, you can't even let me do this? For the love of God buddy, just get that thing out of here.”
I've rarely seen such contempt flashed at me in the expression of any living thing. He kind of hopped over the poker and knocked the plastic container loose. The few droplets I'd collected were knocked to the ground.
“Dang it!”
We had to get Kuzo back inside before he completely emptied his bladder. “Throw another pepperoni into the water bowl!” I said. Then I set about fixing the plastic cup to the poker once again. I'd used painter's tape the first time. It hadn't been strong enough. This time I used duct tape.
A few minutes later we were back outside. Kuzo wasn't enjoying his walk as much as normal. He kept looking back. “Why are you being weird? What's with that poker? Why are you trying to put it down there? What the hell is wrong with you man?”
Meanwhile cars and other pedestrians passed by. I didn't have time to explain what was happening. I just looked at them and smiled awkwardly. Whenever I was distracted, Kuzo tried to take advantage so he could pee in peace.
Finally, I gave up. “Let's go home, this is a bust.”
We turned around and headed back. I figured Kuzo couldn't have much pee left in him, but a dog will surprise you. About fifty feet from the house, he lifted his leg. I jammed the poker where it needed to go. Everybody was exhausted, even Kuzo, it was like he didn't have the strength to resist.
“Fine you sick pervert, if this is what you want me to do, I'll do it. I can't hold it anymore. You win, you sicko!”
“Hooray!” Went my daughter, and she hugged Kuzo. “You're such a good boy!”
Why does he get all the praise?
We got the hazardous material bag with the syringe. Kuzo blanched. “Do you get it now?” I scolded him. “This could have been a lot worse couldn't it?”
Kuzo said nothing.
“I hope we got enough,” I said, as I used the syringe to suck up the pee and put it in the test tube. It was perfect with some to spare... not that we had any use for the left over. I sealed up the hazardous material bag and turned to Kuzo.
“It's a good thing you're cute,” I said.
A moment later, we were in the car. A moment after that, we'd dropped off the sample at the vet. I crawled into the living room exhausted and sent a text to my wife.
“Mission accomplished, Kuzo's pee sample has been secured.”
“You'll have to tell me about it when I get home.”
“Better yet, I'll write you a story about it.”
And that's what you've just read.
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I laughed through the whole story! Just what I needed this morning! Thank you!
Great story. Now try doing that with a cat.