Abusers Need Us To Validate Their Abuse In Order To Feel Good About Themselves

Manipulative people are highly skilled at presenting themselves as the injured party

Walter Rhein

Jul 13, 2025

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Your support keeps me going, I really appreciate you!

A few weeks ago I wrote a story about the time my dad punched me in the face and gave me a bloody nose. The sad part (there are a lot of sad parts)… one of the sad parts is that our society strongly conditions us not to reflect on moments like these.

Even when it happened, it was very clear to me that I was supposed to forget about this moment and never talk about it again.

Move on.

Be happy.

Let’s get back to normal.

But I think it’s a pretty natural thing to want to stop and process traumatic moments of your life. If you don’t process those moments you start living in terror. One way or another, your mind is going to deliberate on perceived threats against you.

It’s detrimental to your health to ignore these things, in more ways than one…

We aren’t entirely in control of our lives. Our bodies are programmed with an involuntary response that’s there to keep us alive.

That’s why our heart beats.

That’s why we continue to breathe even when we’re unconscious.

That’s why we lay in bed at night grinding our teeth when our involuntary response is aware we’re living under constant threat. Do you know what’s happening? Your body is keeping tension in your muscles in case you have to fight off an attack.

It’s taxing to go through life when you’re on high alert all the time.

When your body sends you signals, you should listen. Your body is on your side.

When my dad punched me in the face, and I felt my nose splatter, and I crumpled to the ground, literally the first thing that went through my mind was, “Oh, I have to get over this quickly because he’s going to feel bad about it.”

For some reason, I was worried about my dad pouting, or feeling embarrassed because he bloodied my nose.

You see, reacting in pain was like violating the social contract to maintain the illusion that we were the “perfect” family.

He needed to feel he was perfect in order to feel good about himself. How dare I infringe upon his right to happiness!

There was also the underlying threat that if I infringed on his happiness, that would only lead to more violence. Clearly, the only path forward was to “brush over” moments like this so that he could be happy. Since all my happiness derived from him, that would make me happy too.

See? See? See how selfish it is to hold people accountable when they punch you in the face and give you a bloody nose?

It’s so simple…

I knew all this, and that’s why I struggled to get to my feet as quickly as possible even though I felt dizzy and there was a risk of falling down the stairs.

I’m mentioning this because this dynamic takes place all throughout society. There are so many abusive people and abusive institutions and abusive interactions that demand extra effort from the victim to support the abuser.

“You’re in poverty because you don’t work hard enough. It’s your fault.”

When you write it like that and you look at it, you wouldn’t think such a mechanism would be possible to deploy.

But it’s out there. Believe me, it’s out there.

You see it when people get hostile about teachers who present the truth about the atrocities of the slave era.

“Well, that makes white people feel bad about themselves!”

That’s among the most ridiculous arguments that have ever been uttered by a human mouth. Yet, people in positions of TREMENDOUS power are saying it! These people should be embarrassed.

But the pathetic power dynamic between abusers and the abused has been NORMALIZED! We’re CONDITIONED not to object to it!

At some point, we all have to recognize that abusers are the most pathetic, fragile, and insecure people in the world. They’re pretty sorry excuses for human beings.

They create a mechanism for abuse not necessarily because they enjoy abusing others (though that is the case sometimes), but because they don’t want to endure the internal conflict that comes as a result of examining their own behavior.

“Wait a minute, I was wrong there. I’ll resolve not to do that in the future.”

Seriously, how hard is it to admit a mistake? Just say you were wrong! That’s not a weakness. It’s a strength because it empowers you to have a positive impact on the world.

That’s all we’re asking, but they steadfastly refuse to do it.

Instead, they deflect to fabricate all this nonsense about “cancel culture.” They insist on perceiving themselves as the victim.

“I once slipped on ice, lost my balance, and nudged you in the parking lot. As a consequence of that, you have banished me forever from your life. You never say anything nice about me. I’ve been totally canceled. It’s like you erased me from history! It’s so unfair! The punishment is so disproportionate to the crime.”

This outrage response is completely disconnected from reality. If somebody slips on ice and nudges into you, then all they have to do is say, “Oh, I’m sorry, I’ll try to be more careful.”

But if they insist on coercing you into some fantasy about how the interaction never happened, you’ve taken your first step on the way to losing your mind.

That’s SO MUCH MORE COMPLICATED than just apologizing! It takes SO MUCH MORE WORK!

In being asked to hold themselves accountable, abusers perceive an assault on their very ability to be happy.

“Let’s just pretend that bad things never happen so that I can maintain the delusion that I’m a perfect human being who never messes up. Also, why can’t you put in a little more effort to achieve my level?”

There are just layers upon layers of dishonesty. They persist because most of us only have glimpses of this massive mechanism of abuse that permeates our whole society.

We only have glimpses because they CONDITION us not to process these moments.

“Don’t think about that. It’s in the past. Forget about it. Everything will be fun again. Why are you being so cruel? Let’s stick to the accepted narrative. Rich people work hard. Successful people are recognized and admired. You have to respect and obey authority figures such as parents, bosses, and priests…”

It’s like we’re trying to comprehend a statue in the darkness and abusers keep knocking the flashlight out of our hands.

But once you’ve seen it, you can’t unsee it. You start perceiving how all the moving parts fit together.

Ultimately, abusers use our own innate goodness against us. We, the abused, don’t want to see anyone hurt, not even abusers.

We, the abused, feel we can take the pain if it will save the ones we love from experiencing discomfort.

When it gets to be too much for us and we find the courage to say something, abusers try to accuse us of wrongdoing. “You always have to be the victim, don’t you? Why are you making things so difficult?”

It’s important to understand that they’re saying these things out of cowardice and laziness, not pain. They cry not because they’re hurt, but because they simply don’t want to put in the work.

They won’t so much as lift a finger to stop your pain. They think you’re selfish for asking that of them.

“Don’t you realize how much it hurts me to be told that I hurt you?”

I think this mechanism is at play in almost any form of injustice you might encounter.

There’s an element of this in social injustice.

There’s an element of this in a bad work relationships

There’s an element of this in a bad romantic relationship.

There’s an element of this in a bad family relationship.

Abusers are fixated on us because, on a fundamental level, they NEED us to justify their abusive nature. They’re just really, really, really, really lazy. They’re like petulant students furious at a teacher who gave them a failing grade.

“When you fail me, it makes me feel bad about myself. Why are you so mean?”

“I’m not mean. If it bothers you to fail, then you have to take initiative, stop being lazy, and do the work.”

“But it would be so much easier if you just gave me an A. Then I would be happy! Why are you taking my happiness from me? I can’t feel good about myself unless you are willing to ignore it every time that I hurt you.”

“That arrangement is unsustainable.”

Abusers are like having a deadbeat roommate who never pays any rent and then complains that you’re cruel if you kick them out into the street. They simply refuse to recognize that there’s a third option. They can get a job, earn some money, and start making a contribution.

Abusers might even start to cry when you mention this.

You know, if the doctor finds a cancerous tumor in your body, you technically kill it when you have the thing removed. I’m sure the tumor doesn’t like that idea either.

Well, if it wants to survive it can go out in the world and learn to live on its own.

The next time an abuser starts to cry and makes you feel guilty, try to visualize them as a crying tumor. Remember, you have no obligation to turn over your autonomy and happiness to a parasite.

They try to claim that their happiness depends on your willingness to submit to their abuse. That’s a lie. Enduring abuse is never an element of happiness.

Never.

It’s a fundamental truth that you can’t make anyone happy by doing all the work for them. The happiness of abusers is their own responsibility.

Remember this the next time one of them tries to manipulate you. Just say, “I’m doing this because I love you. If I submit to your lies and enable your cruelty, I’d be robbing you of the chance at happiness.”

They don’t want to hear that, but it’s the truth.