Bullies Have Mobile Boundaries They Trot Out at Their Own Convenience
As far as they’re concerned, the rules only apply to you
When I was growing up, I often got stuck having to spend the weekend with my psychotic cousins. They were deranged, violent people who lived like animals. They all grew up to become truck drivers and hard core conservatives.
A decade ago I tried to reconnect with them because we live within a cesspool of constant pressure that makes you feel perpetually guilty if you cut toxic people out of your life. I discovered they were all running stills in the depths of the uninhabited forests of Northern Wisconsin. They spent their days drinking, driving ATVs and drunkenly shooting skeet.
Sometimes one of them died, but there are still a lot of them somehow.
The stress of constant risk
When I went to visit them as a kid, I was always afraid that I might lose a finger. There are some people who are like that. You might lose a finger around them. I expect that might sound bizarre to some of my readers, so here’s a list of ways you might lose a finger:
Holding a lit firecracker
Accidental discharge of a firearm
Axe throwing
Slamming a car hood
Somebody starts up the motor you’re working on
Shovel (those are really bad)
Hammer
Power take off (people who know what that is are different than those who don’t)
Teeth (animal or human)
Garden shears
I knew kids who had lost a finger.
A house with holes that let the wind blow through
Also, they lived in squalor. You’d walk into their house and think it would be better off to knock it down. You could see through the walls. There was always a particular smell.
That’s just how a certain percentage of the American population lives. People in my family lived like that. They’re still stuck in the frontier era. They sit around pretending they’ve read O Pioneers! but really all they ever did was watch the Michael Landon version of Little House on the Prairie (which becomes a horror show when people interpret it as a model for life).
I’d get stuck at their house because, “They’re your cousins, you have to like them.”
I didn’t have any personal autonomy so I had to suck it up and try to survive. First off, I was always on my best behavior. But again, that means something different when you’re in the domicile of a family that knows what a power take off is.
They’ll cut your finger off.
If you’re looking for the divide — that’s it
I’ve lived in both worlds. I’ve dined with doctors, lawyers, Olympic medalists, and celebrities. I know more or less how to behave around accomplished people. That’s easy. All you have to do is shut up and chew with your mouth closed. Show up with your hair combed and in clean clothing.
But the thing is, people who have actually achieved something aren’t a threat because they have something to lose. They’d prefer to avoid the inquiry that follows a murder. Sure, they’d likely be able to beat the charges using their wealth and connections, but it would still be a bother to them.
The equation is simple. Accomplished people understand that tolerating you for 45 minutes is less than the inconvenience of an investigation. They see the quickest path to get away from you, and they take it.
That’s the frame of reference.
On the other hand, unaccomplished people who live in a houses with the wind blowing through, have a completely different perspective. Even though they might hit you with a dismissive attitude, they actually want your company. Although they make a good show of it, deep down they know their lives are perpetual misery.
If the cops showed up to try and find a body, that would be more company than they’re used to seeing. They like the attention. These are people who hang on to your door talking as you try to drive away.
Yet, they never have one nice thing to say
I am sympathetic. My house doesn’t quite have holes in the walls, but it’s drafty. I feel the wind blowing through. I’m of those people. I could find common ground with them. It’s just that you have to get past so much armor to reach any vulnerability.
They take swings at you every step of the way even as they retreat. It’s not worth the effort.
When you’re in the company of unaccomplished people, they’ll spend the whole time running you down. They’ll talk about the holes in the walls like they’re a good thing. They’ll claim that when a child loses a finger it saves the parents money whenever they have to buy gloves.
Then they laugh, and bits of food fly out of their mouths.
They have to constantly pressure you with a deluge of fabricated evidence as to why, despite all facts and observations, their life is actually good and your life is actually bad. They pretend like they want to make you like them, when really with every fiber of their being they want to be you.
Again, I learned all this the hard way.
The mobile boundaries of abusive people
At first when I went to visit my cousins, I observed how they interacted with each other and thought, “Oh, I get it, there are no rules. Anything goes!”
I thought I could handle that well enough. After all they showed no reservations whatsoever about saying and doing the most horrific things to me. Most of the time it was boasting. They’d brag about who they could beat in a fight. They’d belch and chew and spit.
So, thinking this was a game, I joined in and said the same — that I could whip all of them. But that was a mic drop moment. In the ensuing silence, they took pity on me and gave me a stern lecture about how I wasn’t allowed to say things that I couldn’t back up with action.
At the time, I thought it was bizarre. Realizing I’d dodged a bullet, I resolved to be silent. Still, the contradiction of their attitude, statements, and behavior has always nagged at me. It’s taken me my full 50 years to develop a working theory as to how their psychology operates.
One set of rules for them. One set of rules for everyone else.
Bullies disgust me
Essentially, my cousins were bullies. Unfortunately, their worldview is one of the foundational attitudes that is currently driving the American political landscape. What I realized is that bullies adopt a system of mobile boundaries that they can trot out at their convenience.
You have to regard it like a basketball point guard attempting to interpret a motion offense. You must predict rather than see when there will be a safe opening to deliver a comment. The boundaries advance and retreat, and it can feel like they only provide cover for your opponents, never for you.
In fact, that’s exactly what they do. You’ll find you’ll never be able to invoke ideas like “respect” or “freedom of religion” or “merit” or “the protection of children.” All of these arguments are exclusively for them. I eventually discovered that your only means of scoring any points lies in exploiting the contradictions.
“The government is bad!” they call out.
“Does that mean the military is bad? After all the military is part of the government.”
“What… no! Wait…”
Their befuddlement is the best you can hope for. That’s the closest you’ll ever come to a win.
The only real win is escape
It’s tempting to denounce this system as absurd, but it’s more malicious than accomplished people understand. The ultimate deceit is the temptation to learn the intricate dance of mobile boundaries and attempt to deploy that offense against your opponents. It’s a deceit because it does seem to work. You will score points with it. You will leave your opponents reeling. You’ll even find they’ll start to treat you with a begrudging respect.
But here’s the thing, this offense does not work against accomplished people. In fact, you drive accomplished people away when you behave like that. I know. I lived through that and it almost cost me everything.
For a time, I was the one driving people away.
You don’t want to get caught up in adopting the behavior that will make you more appealing to people you despise. It’s tragic how many smart people end up falling into that trap.
Instead, your best strategy is to set firm and fair boundaries that are binding both for you and for the people you interact with. This creates a form of emotional stability that establishes the foundation for happiness, prosperity, and success. You need a firm code of conduct.
What you don’t need is a series of lazy excuses designed to let you slither out of accountability and into a cesspool of misery.
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I'm sorry I have never heard of you before Substack but, your writing makes me feel like we should've met as kids. Hell, we could be family! Lol I feel everything you say, I've lived. And this article is no different. My dad was born and raised in a coal mining town in West by God, Virginia. So, I also have those cousins. Thank goodness the family moved when he was young. My grandpa just had to get outta there. So please, keep writing. And maybe those of us with those cousins, can figure out how to tell them if they keep voting for Republicans, they'll never get out of that breezy house.
This was the BEST description of the type of individuals we hear talking from the halls of congress. “January 6th violence?” “I couldn’t tell you, I didn’t see it.” What???? The senator was THERE! It’s a reality not steeped in reality, or rather, it’s a made-up reality to suit shifting boundaries. Your description of your cousins was so awful it made me laugh out loud, except for me they existed (for a time) as Texas and Florida neighbors.