How I Learned the Secret to Happiness at a 50 Year Wedding Anniversary

Our lives go by in the blink of an eye but every second is an opportunity to bring joy to the ones you love

Every now and then our perception is pried away from the trivialities that occupy our daily existence. In those moments, we are granted a brief insight into the true nature of reality. Witnessing my wife’s parents celebrate 50 years of marriage was one such experience.

50 years! What joy! What melancholy sorrow! What profound humility! Where did the time go?

They conducted the occasion like a wedding. Those of us who had gathered to witness felt a new solidarity with the temporal ripple that had so impacted our own lives.

A half century ago, a man married a woman. That choice was part of a series of events that brought my children into existence. That sequence stretches on into the infinite future and the eternal past. Let the chain remain unbroken.

Watching that ceremony helped me better perceive and embrace the mechanism that will enable us to fulfill our longing to be loved.

I now understand the man who lives backwards

Sitting there, I was reminded of how T.H. White depicts Merlin as living backwards in The Once and Future King. I never understood it when I read that book as a child, but now that I’m 50, I’m better acquainted with time.

At first, Merlin’s affliction seemed like nothing more than a quirky detail. There’s a subdued scene when Merlin first meets Arthur and he’s overcome with sadness because he knows, for him, their time together is coming to an end.

Our memories become our lives. Our excitement for the uncertain future transforms into our fond reflections on the past.

My wife’s dad and mom looked small as they stood together in the church. They spoke a few words and their voices broke with emotion. It felt as if a rift appeared and we were all transported back to that ceremony so long ago.

I hope to follow their example

My dad left my mom after 25 years of marriage. This year, my wife and I will be celebrating our 15th anniversary. I’m hopeful that our union will endure. My commitment to her has grown over the years. I’ve come to appreciate her more with every passing day.

I’m grateful to have arrived at a place of comfort because the path wasn’t always clear.

I grew up in a house filled with conflict. It contained yelling and hurt feelings and spiteful comments.

When it came time for me to have a say in how things would be done, I didn’t have a plan other than to create an environment free from hostility.

It turns out, it really is that simple.

There are many things in life that I cannot control, but I can control whether or not I raise my voice. Put the incomprehensible span of 50 years out of your thoughts. Think only of the next second.

Don’t fret over decades, just think about breakfast

The essence of a happy life is easy.

My daughters come downstairs in the morning and say, “Hi dad!”

And I say, “What do you want for breakfast?”

“Pancakes,” says one.

“Eggs,” says the other.

“Scrambled or sunny side up?”

“Sunny side up!”

So I set about making their orders. I even bought some molds so the sunny side up eggs are perfect! I arrange the plate so it looks like a smiling face and place it on the table. Even the dog gets something.

It’s collaboration, not competition

My recollections from childhood are filled with conflict.

“Remember that time I said something clever and made you look foolish? That was funny!”

“Not for me.”

“Why do you have to ruin it? Why can’t you just be happy for me?”

Of course I got in my own shots, but victory in conflict only creates an illusion of joy. It’s tainted by shadow. Those shadows start to add up over time. When you look back, you can’t see anything but darkness.

It’s like you never existed.

I had to learn not to derive any pleasure from “flexing” on anyone. Now, instead of “winning’ the moment I try to “win” my whole life.

There are guys who score touchdown after touchdown but when they get to the final tally, they look up at the scoreboard and are surprised to see how soundly they were beaten.

You can’t go back. Time will crush you.

We all rise together

My memories as an adult are different. It’s never about me as an individual. It’s always about us as a family.

I remember my eldest daughter nailing the first solo for middle school choir. I remember my youngest daughter making the winning basket in a 4th grade tournament.

These moments are built on collaboration. They are created from celebration. They involve coordinating schedules to take the kids to lessons. They involve showing up at practice. They involve getting a message to pick up milk on the way home.

We help each other. Every second is another chance to help.

I read to my daughters every evening. When the schools were shut down, I was their teacher. These are more links in the chain.

How do you keep a relationship healthy?

At the church, I saw my wife’s parents look into each other’s eyes and revel in the fullness of what they’d achieved together.

They’d reached 50 years not in conflict, but skipping backwards and gazing fondly at their shared journey.

I realized how easy it would have been for me to have taken another path. I had other relationships before my wife, but I was drawn to her for reasons I can’t fully explain. She loves me, and she also holds me accountable.

Don’t underestimate accountability.

Even unspoken confrontations begin to add up. They are as clear as rust. Once corrupted the chain breaks even without any external force. It just disintegrates into nothing.

A strong chain endures.

I belong here

As the ceremony ended, the pictures began. First was the blushing couple, the main protagonists of the day. Then came the children and the extended family. All of them filed onto the stage to stand beside mom and dad and smile at the cameras.

It was a picture of time.

I was so caught up in watching this that I didn’t realize it was my turn come and stand among them. I saw my wife calling to me, waving her hand and smiling.

One part of me didn’t feel as if I truly belonged. I’m a part of the family through marriage. But then I saw my children and I noticed how their features recalled those of their mother, and their grandmother, and their grandfather, and I recognized that yes, I’m a part of this.

It was a small glimpse into infinity, and it was still almost more than my little mind can comprehend. I was satisfied to fortify my meager awareness of humility and gratitude.

A strategy for happiness

How do you arrive at a moment of happiness and celebration that’s the culmination of 50 joyous years? You do it by focusing on the moment. There was a time when I was dismissive of my wife if I said or did something that made her sad.

It was a big step forward when I learned to apologize. It was an even bigger step when I cracked the code and switched from fixing mistakes to stacking shared victories.

Watching my wife’s parents celebrate their 50 years of marriage made me realize the celebration was just another second in a lifetime of seconds. I think that’s the insight we all need to recognize. Don’t even try to think about 50 years. That’s beyond the scope of our comprehension. Just think about the next second. Make that second the best one your loved ones have ever experienced.

Then, for the second after that, try to do just a little bit better. In 50 years, when you look back, I expect it will be without regrets.

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