When I taught high school, one of my colleagues, a talented and energetic math teacher, moved away with her husband and two children and then moved back to town less than a year later with her children to live with her parents. She'd hated the town where her husband found a job as a preacher. She taught for a while there but hated the school system and came back to teach at our school for a semester. When her husband later moved on to another church in a different town, she and the children planned to follow him. But she wasn't happy about it. When I asked her why he couldn't find a job in our town, she sighed. "He feels God's calling him to be a preacher, and this church called with a better offer." I said, "What about you? What is God calling you to do?" She had no answer. Just one more example of how some faith traditions have shaped the male-female roles in society, one that she passed on to her children. It never occurred to her that she might have a God-given purpose too. What a waste of human talent.
A story like this would probably do well on Medium. Your comment would serve as an effective outline. The idea that only the man is "called by God" but not the woman is a concept that should be addressed (you might be able to work that into the title). You're absolutely right. Thanks for the comment!
Have you noticed, Walter, that wisdom seems to take over when the painfully obvious facts abound? This is not a competition. It better be a collaboration. Eventually, one of you will be the caregiver because one of you can only go from point A to B in a wheelchair. Life and death is equal opportunity. The universe doesn't care one bit about the stories and justifications you made up along the way. Your article shows the benefits of focusing on human needs (other) and not just your own (ego) to the exclusion of those needing your gifts and talents.
This is so impressive and sorry, not stereo-typing coming from a man. Sadly the real problem with the patriarchal system is a lot of women not only believe in but also conform to the |assigned" roles.
I'm deemed rebel when I talked and still do "against the natural order of patriarchy". The basic rule is mutual respect and understanding. Marriage/relationships are based on mutual respect and understanding; no one is higher/lower and everyone's a role to play.
Although the relationship is not going to work or will be miserable for the partner if he/she is the only one believes that.
No need to apologize, the stereotype is there for a reason. I also appreciate that you mentioned how many women support this model (unfortunately it's against their will for many). It's a complex idea trying to figure out how to gently persuade people to do what's best for them. I've been writing a book about it. Thanks for your lovely comment!
Thank you Walter for this post. Men like you warm my heart and brighten the world.
Growing up in a patriarchal family results in a cellular level of discomfort, unable to shake the unreliability of a system that imposes different expectations, different rules, different duties, different treatment, gender roles that are a poor fit. For decades I've held a fire that bursts into rage when misogyny is welcomed, applauded, practiced, expected yet never admitted to. The signal lack of so many males in this society to acknowledge their own responsibilities, their own behaviors that drive women up the wall and then their laughter when they've succeeded at that, calling her whatever epithet you can think of. The chest beating. The strutting. All that smug satisfaction of being a fucking jerk.
I don't know how but I've never hated men, per se. I reserve a burning rage at creeps, rape apologists, "alpha males" who are the most demanding infants who demand rulership, relationships that are not about love but about domination. I still separate the men from the boys, the infants, the toddlers. I am proud of having kept that distinction. But the rage is cellular and it erupts instantaneously when the contempt those boys rises for no apparent reason other than their hatred for women, which is where it all begins when boys are told that men are to be unemotional, that women are emotional. When those guys bully other guys and call them feminine names or insults that are female gendered. These are the "man card police" who demand that the patriarchy remain the law of the land and its privileges they enjoy but refuse to admit to continue unfettered.
I just wrote an article today for Medium about how my crap other men used to give me because I took care of my children. But today, my children and I are connected on a level that's very special. I don't feel "hatred" for the people who have been abusive to me in the past either, it's more sadness, but that doesn't mean I want to be around them. Thanks for your comment, you've given me a lot to think about. I think we're seeing that these men have to be laughed at. They hate that more than anything, and it's not responding in kind, it's treating the with the ridicule their broken attitudes warrant. Thanks so much for your comment, here's that medium article I mentioned: https://medium.com/thirty-over-fifty/men-no-longer-have-to-be-afraid-of-forming-strong-emotional-bonds-with-their-children-1fb9dd6b9a6d
Thank you Walter. Thank you for taking such good and attentive care to your children because kids need a present father. Thank you for being a "stay at home dad", a misnomer as you clearly make a living and you give yourself to your kids. My next door neighbor is a stay at home dad with 2 sons, one now in college. The younger is in 3rd grade who is very athletic to the point he may get a college scholarship. Dad goes out every day with his son, catches his pitches, goes to every game, teaches his son to play basketball. He is a fantastic father. My hat is off to both of you. We feminists were never against fatherhood..Instead, we want that for every dad and every chlld. I'll go to your Medium article (I'm a member, too, still trying to figure out Srripe) and read your post. Thank you for reading my reply. All the best to you.
I found stripe a little tricky at first too, but then I eventually got it to work. If you're still having trouble, you could go into your local bank and have them help you. They can be trusted with your banking information, and they don't want anything compromised either :) Yes, there are so many men out there who miss out on the best things of life because they are stupid and stubborn. Maybe, little by little, we can get them to see the light. Thanks for the kind words!
Great article, damn straight! My gas heater was the original 1909. Going all electric resulted in immediate financial & health rewards. Jettisoning the husband...priceless peace of mind. Thx much for writing this!!
Wow! 1909! When did you change that? It's amazing that they ever built anything that could last that long. I also got a chuckle out of your tie-in to the husband. I'm glad things are going better for you!
Oops! Didn't reply. Been a year now since our carbon monoxide scare for Halloween. It was in a newer water heater's poor venting scheme. Old mechanical stuff just keeps working, so long as someone knows how to machine spare parts or run wires for juice.
Walter, what an incredibly poignant and well written essay. Thank you for everything you have explained here. I felt a whole range of emotions reading it, captivation, anger, slight misty eyes, gratitude, so many more.
Btw, when you said 1968 furnace, I imagined an intricate cast iron one with aesthetic detail and smithy that we see in old NY apartments. I have nostalgia for times gone by purely from engineering and technology standpoint in this case.
How I wish others could have an epiphany and become enlightened. I also was raised in a religion that does not permit women into its priesthood and when women have either questioned or protested this belief system, they have been excommunicated. There's a completely different standard for men and women.
Love your furnace story. It so accurately portrays the old sad standard. Thank you for expressing your wisdom and acceptance of reality.
I just read your piece on Medium. 5 claps. One of the great victories in growing is to become comfortable in one's own skin. Congratulations. And your babies are beautiful, even if one is now in high school. Bravo.
This is some great writing … what an excellent way to get a point across .. it is spot on! We, Us, Society needs to make some major changes .. childcare for an example is and should be part of every infrastructure conversation that happens in corporate and government meetings .. Well done Walter
I can happily say this wasn't the norm for my daughter in the state of Washington. :) There are other problems here, but we have a more efficient "furnace" against this sort of thing. Hope that is hopeful. :)
When I taught high school, one of my colleagues, a talented and energetic math teacher, moved away with her husband and two children and then moved back to town less than a year later with her children to live with her parents. She'd hated the town where her husband found a job as a preacher. She taught for a while there but hated the school system and came back to teach at our school for a semester. When her husband later moved on to another church in a different town, she and the children planned to follow him. But she wasn't happy about it. When I asked her why he couldn't find a job in our town, she sighed. "He feels God's calling him to be a preacher, and this church called with a better offer." I said, "What about you? What is God calling you to do?" She had no answer. Just one more example of how some faith traditions have shaped the male-female roles in society, one that she passed on to her children. It never occurred to her that she might have a God-given purpose too. What a waste of human talent.
A story like this would probably do well on Medium. Your comment would serve as an effective outline. The idea that only the man is "called by God" but not the woman is a concept that should be addressed (you might be able to work that into the title). You're absolutely right. Thanks for the comment!
Have you noticed, Walter, that wisdom seems to take over when the painfully obvious facts abound? This is not a competition. It better be a collaboration. Eventually, one of you will be the caregiver because one of you can only go from point A to B in a wheelchair. Life and death is equal opportunity. The universe doesn't care one bit about the stories and justifications you made up along the way. Your article shows the benefits of focusing on human needs (other) and not just your own (ego) to the exclusion of those needing your gifts and talents.
Thank you, well said!
This is so impressive and sorry, not stereo-typing coming from a man. Sadly the real problem with the patriarchal system is a lot of women not only believe in but also conform to the |assigned" roles.
I'm deemed rebel when I talked and still do "against the natural order of patriarchy". The basic rule is mutual respect and understanding. Marriage/relationships are based on mutual respect and understanding; no one is higher/lower and everyone's a role to play.
Although the relationship is not going to work or will be miserable for the partner if he/she is the only one believes that.
No need to apologize, the stereotype is there for a reason. I also appreciate that you mentioned how many women support this model (unfortunately it's against their will for many). It's a complex idea trying to figure out how to gently persuade people to do what's best for them. I've been writing a book about it. Thanks for your lovely comment!
Thank you Walter for this post. Men like you warm my heart and brighten the world.
Growing up in a patriarchal family results in a cellular level of discomfort, unable to shake the unreliability of a system that imposes different expectations, different rules, different duties, different treatment, gender roles that are a poor fit. For decades I've held a fire that bursts into rage when misogyny is welcomed, applauded, practiced, expected yet never admitted to. The signal lack of so many males in this society to acknowledge their own responsibilities, their own behaviors that drive women up the wall and then their laughter when they've succeeded at that, calling her whatever epithet you can think of. The chest beating. The strutting. All that smug satisfaction of being a fucking jerk.
I don't know how but I've never hated men, per se. I reserve a burning rage at creeps, rape apologists, "alpha males" who are the most demanding infants who demand rulership, relationships that are not about love but about domination. I still separate the men from the boys, the infants, the toddlers. I am proud of having kept that distinction. But the rage is cellular and it erupts instantaneously when the contempt those boys rises for no apparent reason other than their hatred for women, which is where it all begins when boys are told that men are to be unemotional, that women are emotional. When those guys bully other guys and call them feminine names or insults that are female gendered. These are the "man card police" who demand that the patriarchy remain the law of the land and its privileges they enjoy but refuse to admit to continue unfettered.
I just wrote an article today for Medium about how my crap other men used to give me because I took care of my children. But today, my children and I are connected on a level that's very special. I don't feel "hatred" for the people who have been abusive to me in the past either, it's more sadness, but that doesn't mean I want to be around them. Thanks for your comment, you've given me a lot to think about. I think we're seeing that these men have to be laughed at. They hate that more than anything, and it's not responding in kind, it's treating the with the ridicule their broken attitudes warrant. Thanks so much for your comment, here's that medium article I mentioned: https://medium.com/thirty-over-fifty/men-no-longer-have-to-be-afraid-of-forming-strong-emotional-bonds-with-their-children-1fb9dd6b9a6d
Thank you Walter. Thank you for taking such good and attentive care to your children because kids need a present father. Thank you for being a "stay at home dad", a misnomer as you clearly make a living and you give yourself to your kids. My next door neighbor is a stay at home dad with 2 sons, one now in college. The younger is in 3rd grade who is very athletic to the point he may get a college scholarship. Dad goes out every day with his son, catches his pitches, goes to every game, teaches his son to play basketball. He is a fantastic father. My hat is off to both of you. We feminists were never against fatherhood..Instead, we want that for every dad and every chlld. I'll go to your Medium article (I'm a member, too, still trying to figure out Srripe) and read your post. Thank you for reading my reply. All the best to you.
I found stripe a little tricky at first too, but then I eventually got it to work. If you're still having trouble, you could go into your local bank and have them help you. They can be trusted with your banking information, and they don't want anything compromised either :) Yes, there are so many men out there who miss out on the best things of life because they are stupid and stubborn. Maybe, little by little, we can get them to see the light. Thanks for the kind words!
Keep writing. Men pay attention to what men say.
Great article, damn straight! My gas heater was the original 1909. Going all electric resulted in immediate financial & health rewards. Jettisoning the husband...priceless peace of mind. Thx much for writing this!!
Wow! 1909! When did you change that? It's amazing that they ever built anything that could last that long. I also got a chuckle out of your tie-in to the husband. I'm glad things are going better for you!
Oops! Didn't reply. Been a year now since our carbon monoxide scare for Halloween. It was in a newer water heater's poor venting scheme. Old mechanical stuff just keeps working, so long as someone knows how to machine spare parts or run wires for juice.
FELICES POLITICA Y PREFERIRIA
Walter, what an incredibly poignant and well written essay. Thank you for everything you have explained here. I felt a whole range of emotions reading it, captivation, anger, slight misty eyes, gratitude, so many more.
Btw, when you said 1968 furnace, I imagined an intricate cast iron one with aesthetic detail and smithy that we see in old NY apartments. I have nostalgia for times gone by purely from engineering and technology standpoint in this case.
I did take a picture of the furnace, I'll have to look through my hard drive and see if I can find it. Thanks for the lovely comment!
How I wish others could have an epiphany and become enlightened. I also was raised in a religion that does not permit women into its priesthood and when women have either questioned or protested this belief system, they have been excommunicated. There's a completely different standard for men and women.
Love your furnace story. It so accurately portrays the old sad standard. Thank you for expressing your wisdom and acceptance of reality.
Thank you!
I just read your piece on Medium. 5 claps. One of the great victories in growing is to become comfortable in one's own skin. Congratulations. And your babies are beautiful, even if one is now in high school. Bravo.
Thank you Carol! That's very kind of you to say!
This is some great writing … what an excellent way to get a point across .. it is spot on! We, Us, Society needs to make some major changes .. childcare for an example is and should be part of every infrastructure conversation that happens in corporate and government meetings .. Well done Walter
Thank you, please share it with all the people in your life who need to read it. I appreciate your kind words!
I`be already sent it out to many many people. I love your writing!
Thank you so much! That helps a ton!
Have you read Nice Church Patriarchy?
No, but thanks for the recommendation. I've put it on my list. It looks like something I'd enjoy!
Wonderful, Walter. Such themes are music to my ears!
Thanks Gary, the more we talk about issues like this, the more we can normalize them!
I can happily say this wasn't the norm for my daughter in the state of Washington. :) There are other problems here, but we have a more efficient "furnace" against this sort of thing. Hope that is hopeful. :)
That's good. I'll celebrate when all women have the same opportunity everywhere. Thanks for the comment!
The analogy works very well. And I agree.
Thank you Alexander!
FELICES COMENTARIOS PATRIARCHAL MODELS WASTE RESOUFDES
HOW PATRIARCHAL MODELS WASTE RESOURCES