"... daughter who had to come home from a hard day at school to find that her mom had murdered her dog. ... Let’s hear what SHE has to say...."
Walter, you know what she has to say ... nothing. You ask a kid of a parent like that what reaction she has when her parent kills a pet and I can almost guarantee what the response will be - she will turn to look at you with a blank stare - dead eyes that reflect how dead she feels inside. She can't feel because to do so exposes her to a long, long history of that kind of psychopathology filling up every corner of her life. It existed when she was a baby and pre-speech (and as a result often doesn't even have the words for the feelings she has) right through her formative years, as she carefully, carefully stepped around each potential mistake she might make so as not to anger that parent, not to make herself the target.
And then, to make things worse, she's not even going to be able to hide behind anonymity - to live in a state where people won't come up to her and ask those kind of questions. By state I mean a condition of being, not an area surrounded by borders. Because, on top of everything else going on in her young life, her mother is "important" enough to be "followed," physically by news media and digitally by social media. That makes her daughter a target of those same types of media. This poor kid is not safe at home and she's not safe when she ventures out into the larger world.
So, I'm hoping, but not counting on the kindness of others to do what is right. Leave her alone, don't ask her anything; just let her be. Please! Anyone who reads this, let her grow up. Some day she will have to deal with all this crap - hopefully with a supportive and loving partner, wonderful friends and, likely, with the help of a good therapist.
That's true, and I totally hear what you're saying. My heart goes out to people who have to endure abuse like that. Gosh, I wish we could do someting to help them. It's so infuriating to have to stand by and do nothing. That poor, poor kid.
I think what we can do is to write about how abusive this whole situation is - get it out there to provide at least a little balance to the other salacious "stories" that are filling our "news" feeds. But, if those people who make these sort of statements are in any way correct, the general public does not want to read measured and/or researched comments about the people in the headlines - they want to read articles/stories/comments that stir up rage and discord. It makes it sound like we are a bunch of arena attendees (I don't know if there is an actual word for those people), screaming our glee at watching gladiators rip each other apart.
But I digress .... I believe that, as soon as she is able, she will be searching for what was written about her parent during the time when she was too young to do anything about the situation in which she lived. I hope that, when she reads about her mother murdering her puppy (and can catch her breath after being triggered as I am sure she will be) that she also finds comments and hopefully even articles talking about how abusive this situation was - for both herself and her innocent puppy. When she is old enough to look, I hope she will find that people who didn't even know her cared about her and what her experience was like.
And, if all my wishes can come true, I hope that she also learns that this marked a turning point for the voters - that it served as a wake-up call for anyone who had called themselves conservative, but still had a heart and a conscience and cared about not only themselves but also children and future children. It is becoming more obvious every day that is not a part of the Republican agenda.
I've been thinking a lot about your comment, and you're so right that it's a tough situation where it's very easy to make things worse. Growing up, I wish people had spoken up when they observed the various ways I was mistreated. It's sad to think our current trajectory will leave our children nothing but the smouldering ashes of a used up world.
"Growing up, I wish people had spoken up when they observed the various ways I was mistreated."
That's what I am talking about Walter. Like you, I wish that there had been adults to intervene in my own abusive childhood, but that is my adult (and now old adult, at that) self speaking. As a child I protected myself by a constant state of numbness, because to feel was to become vulnerable. Like most abused kids of my era, I was a very capable actress when I wasn't at home - there really wasn't much chance of someone riding to the rescue to save me and my siblings - and I suspected (when I was old enough to think about things) that anyone trying to do so would likely be endangered and would, in turn endanger us if my father were angered. When you live in a home full of guns that is a true and ever present danger.
But when I was old enough I did start to look at things from a broader perspective. Sometimes I looked for information and other times I just stumbled upon literature that explored abusive parents and the effect of living with them on their children. I am old enough that when I was a young person there was far less written about this, but I found what was there and, having eventually rejected the career choice my parents had tried to force on me, chose to study and practice in the field of child psychology.
I don't know if this young girl will follow a similar path, but if she does I want that she will find a lot of information that can bring her comfort. I want her to know that there are people who understand what she has lived through so she can know that she is not to blame, that she is not crazy, that what she remembers did happen to her (not because of her). Like I said before, I am hoping for a counter-balance to all the sensationalized coverage that she will have to wade through.
To that end, Walter, I am wondering why you posted this here and not on Medium? I think you would have had a lot more eyes on it there. I believe that the more educated views and comments on this topic, the more likely it is that attention will be paid to the effect of this horrible killing of a puppy on the child who having to deal with it on her own. It is the thought of leaving breadcrumbs for her to find later that matters - it's sort of all I can do about it right now.
I published this article here instead of Medium becuase it's more of a free flowing piece and it's not optimized for Boost. Also, based on the reactions I've been getting in Notes, I feel there is a strong audience here for this kind of writing. This story has 880 views as of now, so it's being seen as much as it would have been on Medium.
Thanks for your words. I've read quite a few of those books you mentioned too.
Thanks for all the attention you have paid to my comments on this, Walter. I am not as clear as to the workings of substack as I am about the way Medium seems to work. That is, of course, from a person who goes to both places as a reader rather than as a writer of articles. It might be that I am not seeing who is commenting on this article so thought that far fewer people were seeing it.
I am sorry that I didn't begin my first comment with the fact that I am glad that you wrote about this - you have such a talent for tackling difficult subjects with humanity and empathy, and it shines through in this article. I am also so glad that you and other writers that I follow are making the connection between voters who support one of the two political parties in the US and the behaviour, policies, and statements of that party's leaders and candidates for office.
... Back in 2016 my partner, sister-in-law, and I were traveling in the US and stopped for gas. We had stepped away to walk the dog and overheard my SIL say to a man who had, while chatting with her, said he was voting for Trump. We rushed right back to the car as we anticipated, then heard, her response, "the you must be a bad man." We almost pushed her into the car and got out of there, reminding her that "people here can carry guns!" Now, back to my point ...
People who are OK with this lack of ethics and despicable character must be bad people. I just hope that each and every time one of that party's candidates shows their true colours that a few more people who still have some residual humanity get shaken loose.
The cruelty is always the point. And when they think women should die for a fetus, of course they think their dog should die because they fucked up and didn't train it properly. Republicans are depraved and they are wired differently than those that vote on the left. It's time the media/independent media start highlighting that even more.
Women are being maimed because of their abortion bans. Children are getting their bodies obliterated by guns in school. Dogs are being shot and maga thinks that means YER TOUGH. Its just another day in red state hell. And they fucking love it.
I have a few more stories to tell, and I've been doing my best to tell these stories for the last 10 years. Mine is an immigrant family, and we're constantly the target of hate attacks. Thank you for your support.
"... daughter who had to come home from a hard day at school to find that her mom had murdered her dog. ... Let’s hear what SHE has to say...."
Walter, you know what she has to say ... nothing. You ask a kid of a parent like that what reaction she has when her parent kills a pet and I can almost guarantee what the response will be - she will turn to look at you with a blank stare - dead eyes that reflect how dead she feels inside. She can't feel because to do so exposes her to a long, long history of that kind of psychopathology filling up every corner of her life. It existed when she was a baby and pre-speech (and as a result often doesn't even have the words for the feelings she has) right through her formative years, as she carefully, carefully stepped around each potential mistake she might make so as not to anger that parent, not to make herself the target.
And then, to make things worse, she's not even going to be able to hide behind anonymity - to live in a state where people won't come up to her and ask those kind of questions. By state I mean a condition of being, not an area surrounded by borders. Because, on top of everything else going on in her young life, her mother is "important" enough to be "followed," physically by news media and digitally by social media. That makes her daughter a target of those same types of media. This poor kid is not safe at home and she's not safe when she ventures out into the larger world.
So, I'm hoping, but not counting on the kindness of others to do what is right. Leave her alone, don't ask her anything; just let her be. Please! Anyone who reads this, let her grow up. Some day she will have to deal with all this crap - hopefully with a supportive and loving partner, wonderful friends and, likely, with the help of a good therapist.
That's true, and I totally hear what you're saying. My heart goes out to people who have to endure abuse like that. Gosh, I wish we could do someting to help them. It's so infuriating to have to stand by and do nothing. That poor, poor kid.
I think what we can do is to write about how abusive this whole situation is - get it out there to provide at least a little balance to the other salacious "stories" that are filling our "news" feeds. But, if those people who make these sort of statements are in any way correct, the general public does not want to read measured and/or researched comments about the people in the headlines - they want to read articles/stories/comments that stir up rage and discord. It makes it sound like we are a bunch of arena attendees (I don't know if there is an actual word for those people), screaming our glee at watching gladiators rip each other apart.
But I digress .... I believe that, as soon as she is able, she will be searching for what was written about her parent during the time when she was too young to do anything about the situation in which she lived. I hope that, when she reads about her mother murdering her puppy (and can catch her breath after being triggered as I am sure she will be) that she also finds comments and hopefully even articles talking about how abusive this situation was - for both herself and her innocent puppy. When she is old enough to look, I hope she will find that people who didn't even know her cared about her and what her experience was like.
And, if all my wishes can come true, I hope that she also learns that this marked a turning point for the voters - that it served as a wake-up call for anyone who had called themselves conservative, but still had a heart and a conscience and cared about not only themselves but also children and future children. It is becoming more obvious every day that is not a part of the Republican agenda.
I've been thinking a lot about your comment, and you're so right that it's a tough situation where it's very easy to make things worse. Growing up, I wish people had spoken up when they observed the various ways I was mistreated. It's sad to think our current trajectory will leave our children nothing but the smouldering ashes of a used up world.
"Growing up, I wish people had spoken up when they observed the various ways I was mistreated."
That's what I am talking about Walter. Like you, I wish that there had been adults to intervene in my own abusive childhood, but that is my adult (and now old adult, at that) self speaking. As a child I protected myself by a constant state of numbness, because to feel was to become vulnerable. Like most abused kids of my era, I was a very capable actress when I wasn't at home - there really wasn't much chance of someone riding to the rescue to save me and my siblings - and I suspected (when I was old enough to think about things) that anyone trying to do so would likely be endangered and would, in turn endanger us if my father were angered. When you live in a home full of guns that is a true and ever present danger.
But when I was old enough I did start to look at things from a broader perspective. Sometimes I looked for information and other times I just stumbled upon literature that explored abusive parents and the effect of living with them on their children. I am old enough that when I was a young person there was far less written about this, but I found what was there and, having eventually rejected the career choice my parents had tried to force on me, chose to study and practice in the field of child psychology.
I don't know if this young girl will follow a similar path, but if she does I want that she will find a lot of information that can bring her comfort. I want her to know that there are people who understand what she has lived through so she can know that she is not to blame, that she is not crazy, that what she remembers did happen to her (not because of her). Like I said before, I am hoping for a counter-balance to all the sensationalized coverage that she will have to wade through.
To that end, Walter, I am wondering why you posted this here and not on Medium? I think you would have had a lot more eyes on it there. I believe that the more educated views and comments on this topic, the more likely it is that attention will be paid to the effect of this horrible killing of a puppy on the child who having to deal with it on her own. It is the thought of leaving breadcrumbs for her to find later that matters - it's sort of all I can do about it right now.
I published this article here instead of Medium becuase it's more of a free flowing piece and it's not optimized for Boost. Also, based on the reactions I've been getting in Notes, I feel there is a strong audience here for this kind of writing. This story has 880 views as of now, so it's being seen as much as it would have been on Medium.
Thanks for your words. I've read quite a few of those books you mentioned too.
Thanks for all the attention you have paid to my comments on this, Walter. I am not as clear as to the workings of substack as I am about the way Medium seems to work. That is, of course, from a person who goes to both places as a reader rather than as a writer of articles. It might be that I am not seeing who is commenting on this article so thought that far fewer people were seeing it.
I am sorry that I didn't begin my first comment with the fact that I am glad that you wrote about this - you have such a talent for tackling difficult subjects with humanity and empathy, and it shines through in this article. I am also so glad that you and other writers that I follow are making the connection between voters who support one of the two political parties in the US and the behaviour, policies, and statements of that party's leaders and candidates for office.
... Back in 2016 my partner, sister-in-law, and I were traveling in the US and stopped for gas. We had stepped away to walk the dog and overheard my SIL say to a man who had, while chatting with her, said he was voting for Trump. We rushed right back to the car as we anticipated, then heard, her response, "the you must be a bad man." We almost pushed her into the car and got out of there, reminding her that "people here can carry guns!" Now, back to my point ...
People who are OK with this lack of ethics and despicable character must be bad people. I just hope that each and every time one of that party's candidates shows their true colours that a few more people who still have some residual humanity get shaken loose.
The cruelty is always the point. And when they think women should die for a fetus, of course they think their dog should die because they fucked up and didn't train it properly. Republicans are depraved and they are wired differently than those that vote on the left. It's time the media/independent media start highlighting that even more.
Women are being maimed because of their abortion bans. Children are getting their bodies obliterated by guns in school. Dogs are being shot and maga thinks that means YER TOUGH. Its just another day in red state hell. And they fucking love it.
Republicans are sick. They are not ok.
https://dreamsofabetter25.substack.com/p/the-rights-collective-abuse-of-american?utm_source=profile&utm_medium=reader2
I have a few more stories to tell, and I've been doing my best to tell these stories for the last 10 years. Mine is an immigrant family, and we're constantly the target of hate attacks. Thank you for your support.
Where are you from? I like your notes
Oh interesting I thought I detected an accent.
I'm from Wisconsin though I spent a decade in Peru.