If Being an Asshole Is Your Defining Personality Trait, Don't Pout When It's Thrown Back at You
If you don't respect boundaries, you can't accuse me of taking it too far.
Note: This was first published on Medium in April of 2023—It’s sadly still relevant.
“Are you going to cry? Are you going to cry now?”
My dad was this way, so I grew up with it. The problem with abusive people is that they make everyone around them adopt their behaviors. Yes, I’m including myself in that assessment.
There are a lot of things in my life that I’m not proud of, but I’ve started to understand that I was just trying to survive within the limitations of my own reality. I thought abusive behavior was “normal” and even today I have to be mindful of falling back into old habits.
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My dad always looked at every interaction like it was a competition. The thing about competition is that it breeds resentment, and I’m saying this as a person who tended to win. From the narcissistic viewpoint, there can be only one winner. That’s why narcissists get mad at the idea of participation trophies. In their minds, the idea of encouraging a child is “awful.”
The ironic part about all this is that narcissists don’t take losing well at all. For example, my dad thought it was hysterical to be an asshole. He liked the idea of ramping up the abuse at every opportunity. I countered with not talking to him for twenty years. Ha! I won! In fact, that’s a devastating, absolute victory. It’s the end point of what he was aiming for. Where’s my trophy?
Of course, his “loser” response is to sit around pouting about how “cruel and ungrateful” I am. All I did was play by his rules and win.
I’m tired of assholes who expect me to apologize to them
There are a lot of funny things about abusive people. They insult you and insult you and insult you, but if you turn around and insult them, they become absolutely horrified.
“Oh my gosh! How could you say that! What’s the matter with you? You need to go into therapy and fix your problem!”
People incorrectly say that narcissists aren’t aware of boundaries. However, that’s not true at all. Narcissists are fully aware of boundaries when it comes to them. They’re only ignorant of boundaries when they apply to anyone else.
I’ve found I have a deeply rooted impulse to repair the damage after a conflict. It’s all on my shoulders. This came from being 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, etc. and being made to feel like I “offended” my dad. So, the expectation was to grovel and apologize to protect his feelings.
Meanwhile, he’d constantly mock me for being stupid or weak or for how I looked or whatever. That was always totally acceptable. But if I said something that hurt him, whoa, I had to make amends.
These days, I’m really triggered at the idea of having to tend to the feelings of some jerk who doesn’t care about anyone else.
Where things get complicated
I grew up thinking that insults were a way to show affection. I guess that’s what happens when you’re a vulnerable child trying to make your way in the world. The insults were all I was getting, so I had to look at them in a way that allowed me to survive.
I guess I was lucky, some people think getting punched in the face and having a broken nose means affection. It doesn’t. But I guess you have to take what you can get. Poor kids.
One of the marvelous things about my wife is that she doesn’t tolerate any form of abusive behavior… at all. If there is even a tiny little edge of meanness to anything I say, she calls me out on it. I think that’s what drew me to her.
I feel my fundamental personality is to treat the people around me with kindness, however, I was conditioned through abuse to believe insulting behavior was a way to show affection (it isn’t). I’ve been deliberately trying to remove that from my personality for decades, but it’s like trying to speak without an accent. Every now and then, something slips out.
That’s unacceptable, and I’m grateful to have a wife that calls me out on it.
I’m very hopeful that my own children will not think of me as a father who ever said mean things. I’m hopeful they’ll think back on their childhood and say they were encouraged, they were supported, and they felt loved.
I read that last paragraph and know there is a large percentage of people in our society who will snort at it with derision. That’s tragic when you think about it.
The crybaby asshole is a default American personality type
If you go abroad, people from other countries always refer to Americans as loud and obnoxious. Americans are aware of this, some of them even take pride in it. But there’s one adjective that’s left out. Americans are also perceived as weak.
If you think of yourself as this tough, blustering asshole who doesn’t care about anyone’s feelings, but you burst into tears whenever your attitude is thrown back at you, then you’re about as pathetic as it’s possible to be.
Think about our current political landscape. Prominent politicians have insulting nicknames for all of their rivals. They refuse to recognize when they’re wrong or when they lose. They revel in every opportunity to exhibit the opposite of dignified behavior.
And we’re supposed to celebrate them for that? These people are jokes. It would be easy to make them cry. Remember, I grew up in an environment where I was conditioned to believe insults were affection. Even now, insults jump to my tongue without having to think about them.
I don’t think it would be very hard to have a debate with anyone on the political right that would end up with them sobbing. “Are you going to cry? Are you going to cry now? Look at him everybody, he’s about to cry! What a baby!”
In the end, systems based on competition are doomed to fail
I think about this a lot. What’s the objective in the world? Are we here to determine the ultimate winner? Think about it. Even if a team wins a championship, we aren’t content to just say, “Good job everyone!” Nope! There has to be an MVP. There’s always this distinction that’s designed to diminish the contributions of all the other people and direct the accolades to the last man standing.
Well, what happens to him then? I guess he’s left all by himself smug in his greatness and surrounded by a sea of smoldering resentment.
It’s just a completely idiotic objective. It doesn’t work. Why are we so fixated on this? If there can be only one winner, then everyone you care about is going to lose.
The next time you have an opportunity to speak publicly, say “Are there any alpha males in the room tonight?” If more than one man raises his hand, say, “Well, there can only be one, so I guess you guys are going to have to fight to the death.”
Watch how quickly they burst into tears.
Not recognizing boundaries doesn’t give you the right to say whatever you want
Assholes who insult everyone do have a “secret” line in their minds that they feel it’s “inappropriate” to cross. It’s the line that reveals the truth about their failings as a human being.
It’s not my nature to be cruel, but I have learned cruelty as a result of enduring a childhood of abuse. The thing that’s in my favor now is that I abandoned the philosophy that leads to driving everyone away. My life is filled with real things, not flashy lies that create the illusion of success. I have that reality in my back pocket and it is a devastating weapon.
I’m at an age where I can observe the consequences of bad choices. Ten years ago, I told people they need to change their behavior. They laughed at me. Now they are pathetic drunks without any friends.
So, when I happen to cross paths with them and they start insulting me (because being an asshole is their defining personality trait), I’m suddenly not “allowed” to throw their pathetic lives back in their faces?
Success in life comes from being humble. Assholes laugh at the idea of humility, that’s why they’ll never be happy.
Making them realize the truth about themselves is tough love.
What, I’m just supposed to pretend there is something about these people I admire? They’re always trying to draw me back down the road to ruin. That represents a threat to me. I don’t want to go that way. I want the path of love, affection, and satisfaction with life.
Shut up all you whiny little toxic male pseudo “alpha” bitches
The age of weakness has ended. Do you know who is strong? I’ll give you a hint: not men.
Women are strong.
I’m ashamed to admit how long it took me to figure that out. I got an inkling when I watched my wife give birth and my appreciation has grown throughout the years.
Men provide the illusion of strength. Women are the pillars that make society function.
I don’t think I’ve ever heard any woman declare, “I’m an alpha woman.” Women have too much dignity for that.
My neighbor has a dog that’s part wolf. She’s a beautiful animal. Every time other dogs come by, the boy dogs always get into wrestling matches to prove their dominance. The queen wolf just watches it like, “Y’all are stupid.” The boy dogs seem to know not to mess with her.
Be like the queen wolf. Don’t go around thumping your chest. All that does is waste your energy. The queen wolf isn’t looking for a fight, but she won’t tolerate any abuse… at all. You’re not the asshole if an asshole comes at you and you put him in his place.
Don’t pick a fight and then demand an apology when you get whipped. Alpha my ass.
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I don't recall this article on Medium. If I had seen it I would think I'd have highlighted this part: "Men provide the illusion of strength. Women are the pillars that make society function."
I probably would have added that women aren't the ones men should be pointing fingers at saying they're "so emotional." The evidence for the opposite is so true that I'll never understand how that myth managed to stick.
Also, if I had a baby, when you heard the loud crying throughout the nine month process, not just the final result, you'd have heard a whole lot of crying, and it wouldn't be an infant's cry.
Men are so nuts that many of them would strangle the poor kid in a rage after birth, yelling, "Do you have any idea what you did to me, you little shit?"
The human race would have lasted about a week.
"Men provide the illusion of strength. Women are the pillars that make society function."
"Black is grey/and yellow white/but we decide which is right/and which is an illusion" (The Moody Blues).