This was so well-written I felt myself in your shoes.
My childhood on a farm didn’t leave much room to be a child. I was a farmhand starting at age 5.
This piece triggered so many memories: The unbearable heat andcstinging sweat of hours in the fields with no water. Profound neglect. Cruelty. Being reminded on a near daily basis what a burden we kids were. His rage when the school insisted my parents send me to school washed of manure from milking and my cheap sneakers soaked with cow piss and crap. The unimaginable rage when a sister needed glasses.
Self-doctoring wounds.
I saw a doctor once (for my Kindergarten physical) before the age of 15 when a neighbor paid for me to be treated after I collapsed in their driveway. Yeah. Less than human. The vet was called, but never a doctor.
My body is crisscrossed with scars from untreated wounds from accidents and from being whipped with a lamp cord. For not being outside working.
I got away and built a life, but I still sometimes weep for that little girl and for all the kids like us. I mourn for the saddness we still carry.
I sometimes envision us finding each other and holding hands and hugging it out while we let the pain seep out into soil we toiled over.
I'm so sorry for what you had to endure. Thank you for the courage for sharing this truth. I feel that these are the stories that explain why the US is so committed to cruelty. We have to bring the truth about the cruelty of rural areas into the light. This is why those places voted for a felon and sex offender. If we can save the kids who still have to endure this crap, we can save ourselves.
Thank you. I let the tears flow for you and my oldest brother - your experience is so similar to his - the shaming and being expected how know how to do…and then do everything well before being ready to.
No doubt when you believe the only value of a human is how much labor you can squeeze out of them, then it’s likely satisfying to see people metaphorically whipped for not working - regardless of their circumstances.
While our stories represent untold many others, I have to believe it’s not true for all.
I personally witnessed little or no tenderness or kindness even in other farm families, and when I did, it made me uncomfortable. There were a few teachers, however, who drew me out. They breathed life into me. They were the soil and fertilizer that saved me.
So very sad. And cruel. I grew up woking on the farm, but thankfully my dad was a decent reasonable man who knew a kid’s limits. And protected us. I can’t imagine your loneliness …
Wow! That is completely insane! I know how you became a great person now! It is because you have become the opposite of what your dad is! Thanks for sharing this with us!
Thank you Huley. Actually just doing the opposite of what he did was my main approach to parenting. It's worked very well. The only thing that makes me nervous is that my kids are about at the age I was when I started cutting them off. I have no guiderails anymore :) I guess I'll just look to them!
As someone who never wanted and didn't have kids, I only identify from a kid's perspective. In my experience of parents, they only identify with a parent's perspective once they have a child. You seem to possess the desire to have both. Even into middle age I wish my mom had asked me a question, listened to my answer, and acted on it with my input instead of the way she wished it were.
You write stories for your kids and talk about them. If teenagers are still doing that with you, it's got to be because they feel seen and heard. That is a parent children wish they had - even when they are adults. I assume they will still blame you for plenty of things as they try and find their way in the world when, as young adults, we are convinced we know everything (duh), but ... ... yeah, I don't know what they will do, but it will be built on a foundation of their dad taking the time to get to know who they are as people of the world and not just your kids.
Thank you Wendy, that's very thoughtful. One thing I always try to do is defer to them when they remember something differently than I do. I remind myself that they have much less to remember and they're probably right. Every single time, it turns out they were right, no matter how convinced I was that they were wrong :)
Totally agree! No child should have to go thru that. I divorced my first husband when my kids were 3 and 6 . There dad hardly ever showed up until they were closer tour high age.My oldest did not tell me his younger brother was locked in a closet when he was punished at dad's. I think they knew they would not be allowed to go there again and i would press child abuse charges on him. The younger one refused to go when he was old enough to have a say and never spoke to him again.
Most of my cousins were farm kids. After WWII, my Dad and one other uncle moved to metro Detroit, where the money was. Dad got a union job in Detroit Public Schools, which protected me from MOST of this abuse. I had a taste, but not this profound.
What memories could I dredge up in my cousins if I sent them this piece? Is it worth the trauma?
Still, I’m looking at my past from a different angle, which I appreciate!
I think it would be really interesting to hear what they think of this. I expect they might deny that their experience was abuse. It took me a long time to recognize how abusive rural expectations actually are. We think we're "salt of the earth" and we respond with denial when we encounter criticism. But once you plant the seed, I think there's the chance to eventually harvest some productive change. I'll be curious to hear your findings!
I'm sorry for your terrible experience as kid on a farm. Thankfully, not every farmer does this, and if they do, they should be reported to the police.
Kids need to be kids and their experience on a farm should be filled with happy memories of goodness and fairness.
I think a lot more farmers do that than anyone would be willing to believe. In my community, I know a lot of kids who were worked a lot harder than I was. It's not uncommon at all, unfortunately.
I remember these things being from rural area. My four cousins, all girls toiled in the fields until they were 18. At least 2 of my relative males were run over by tractors. 1 died. The other died slowly over decades
Thank you for sharing your experience. Your words made something “click” for me:
Many rural people are users.
They don’t have respect for the intelligence and abilities of others, openly mocking the educated people who maintain healthy boundaries at work and in life.
Yet these same folks will be the first to ask for help when they can’t get their computer to do what they want. They won’t search online for how to do something, preferring instead to get the free labor you bring up in the article.
I had noticed this behavior before but it got buried by daily details. Thank you for writing about this and helping me clarify my point of view.
Rural kid. We didn't farm/ranch but family and friends did. I worked young but it was my choice to be involved. I am familiar with the rough attitude. I am also familiar with those who actually taught their kids the job rather than dumping them off as in your writing. I don't regard it as universal to rural life nor is it restricted to the country. Happens in towns too.
Yes it happens in town too. Grew up in a middling town in an old house with pier and beam foundation. My job for several years was to go into the crawl space and clean out the debris … paper, trash, cob webs, dead animals, sometimes mice nests … all modestly in a dress. I don’t remember anyone else having to do it but I might have blocked things. My skin crawls just thinking about it.
This was so well-written I felt myself in your shoes.
My childhood on a farm didn’t leave much room to be a child. I was a farmhand starting at age 5.
This piece triggered so many memories: The unbearable heat andcstinging sweat of hours in the fields with no water. Profound neglect. Cruelty. Being reminded on a near daily basis what a burden we kids were. His rage when the school insisted my parents send me to school washed of manure from milking and my cheap sneakers soaked with cow piss and crap. The unimaginable rage when a sister needed glasses.
Self-doctoring wounds.
I saw a doctor once (for my Kindergarten physical) before the age of 15 when a neighbor paid for me to be treated after I collapsed in their driveway. Yeah. Less than human. The vet was called, but never a doctor.
My body is crisscrossed with scars from untreated wounds from accidents and from being whipped with a lamp cord. For not being outside working.
I got away and built a life, but I still sometimes weep for that little girl and for all the kids like us. I mourn for the saddness we still carry.
I sometimes envision us finding each other and holding hands and hugging it out while we let the pain seep out into soil we toiled over.
I'm so sorry for what you had to endure. Thank you for the courage for sharing this truth. I feel that these are the stories that explain why the US is so committed to cruelty. We have to bring the truth about the cruelty of rural areas into the light. This is why those places voted for a felon and sex offender. If we can save the kids who still have to endure this crap, we can save ourselves.
Thank you. I let the tears flow for you and my oldest brother - your experience is so similar to his - the shaming and being expected how know how to do…and then do everything well before being ready to.
No doubt when you believe the only value of a human is how much labor you can squeeze out of them, then it’s likely satisfying to see people metaphorically whipped for not working - regardless of their circumstances.
While our stories represent untold many others, I have to believe it’s not true for all.
I personally witnessed little or no tenderness or kindness even in other farm families, and when I did, it made me uncomfortable. There were a few teachers, however, who drew me out. They breathed life into me. They were the soil and fertilizer that saved me.
Yes, there are a few who are there to help. We need to help them in return, and send the helpers some reinforcements!
Oh Emma! My heart goes out to you and that abused little girl. 💔 Sending love for your happiness today. ❤️
So very sad. And cruel. I grew up woking on the farm, but thankfully my dad was a decent reasonable man who knew a kid’s limits. And protected us. I can’t imagine your loneliness …
Thank you Joanne!
Wow! That is completely insane! I know how you became a great person now! It is because you have become the opposite of what your dad is! Thanks for sharing this with us!
Thank you Huley. Actually just doing the opposite of what he did was my main approach to parenting. It's worked very well. The only thing that makes me nervous is that my kids are about at the age I was when I started cutting them off. I have no guiderails anymore :) I guess I'll just look to them!
As someone who never wanted and didn't have kids, I only identify from a kid's perspective. In my experience of parents, they only identify with a parent's perspective once they have a child. You seem to possess the desire to have both. Even into middle age I wish my mom had asked me a question, listened to my answer, and acted on it with my input instead of the way she wished it were.
You write stories for your kids and talk about them. If teenagers are still doing that with you, it's got to be because they feel seen and heard. That is a parent children wish they had - even when they are adults. I assume they will still blame you for plenty of things as they try and find their way in the world when, as young adults, we are convinced we know everything (duh), but ... ... yeah, I don't know what they will do, but it will be built on a foundation of their dad taking the time to get to know who they are as people of the world and not just your kids.
Thank you Wendy, that's very thoughtful. One thing I always try to do is defer to them when they remember something differently than I do. I remind myself that they have much less to remember and they're probably right. Every single time, it turns out they were right, no matter how convinced I was that they were wrong :)
Totally agree! No child should have to go thru that. I divorced my first husband when my kids were 3 and 6 . There dad hardly ever showed up until they were closer tour high age.My oldest did not tell me his younger brother was locked in a closet when he was punished at dad's. I think they knew they would not be allowed to go there again and i would press child abuse charges on him. The younger one refused to go when he was old enough to have a say and never spoke to him again.
I'm glad your kids managed a clean break so early. Thanks for sharing Teri!
You will do well, my friend! I believe in your ability!
I don't blame you for cutting your dad off. Boundaries are most important.
Thanks William!
Most of my cousins were farm kids. After WWII, my Dad and one other uncle moved to metro Detroit, where the money was. Dad got a union job in Detroit Public Schools, which protected me from MOST of this abuse. I had a taste, but not this profound.
What memories could I dredge up in my cousins if I sent them this piece? Is it worth the trauma?
Still, I’m looking at my past from a different angle, which I appreciate!
I think it would be really interesting to hear what they think of this. I expect they might deny that their experience was abuse. It took me a long time to recognize how abusive rural expectations actually are. We think we're "salt of the earth" and we respond with denial when we encounter criticism. But once you plant the seed, I think there's the chance to eventually harvest some productive change. I'll be curious to hear your findings!
Really powerful and also heart-breaking. Thanks for writing this.
I'm sorry for your terrible experience as kid on a farm. Thankfully, not every farmer does this, and if they do, they should be reported to the police.
Kids need to be kids and their experience on a farm should be filled with happy memories of goodness and fairness.
I think a lot more farmers do that than anyone would be willing to believe. In my community, I know a lot of kids who were worked a lot harder than I was. It's not uncommon at all, unfortunately.
I remember these things being from rural area. My four cousins, all girls toiled in the fields until they were 18. At least 2 of my relative males were run over by tractors. 1 died. The other died slowly over decades
Thank you for sharing your experience. Your words made something “click” for me:
Many rural people are users.
They don’t have respect for the intelligence and abilities of others, openly mocking the educated people who maintain healthy boundaries at work and in life.
Yet these same folks will be the first to ask for help when they can’t get their computer to do what they want. They won’t search online for how to do something, preferring instead to get the free labor you bring up in the article.
I had noticed this behavior before but it got buried by daily details. Thank you for writing about this and helping me clarify my point of view.
Rural kid. We didn't farm/ranch but family and friends did. I worked young but it was my choice to be involved. I am familiar with the rough attitude. I am also familiar with those who actually taught their kids the job rather than dumping them off as in your writing. I don't regard it as universal to rural life nor is it restricted to the country. Happens in towns too.
Yes it happens in town too. Grew up in a middling town in an old house with pier and beam foundation. My job for several years was to go into the crawl space and clean out the debris … paper, trash, cob webs, dead animals, sometimes mice nests … all modestly in a dress. I don’t remember anyone else having to do it but I might have blocked things. My skin crawls just thinking about it.