Jealousy Is a Form of Control That Operates Through the Withholding of Love
If you pour hate and suspicion into the world, you contribute to the cesspool of corruption
In my days as a teacher, my colleagues often criticized me for being too lenient. They believed that any appearance of misconduct required a harsh and immediate response.
I didn’t agree. Where they saw certainty, I saw grounds for reasonable doubt.
For an animal trapped in captivity, testing for boundaries is both normal and healthy. I certainly indulged in my own testing when I was young. I always believed a need for control undermines your effectiveness in any form of relationship.
My colleagues seemed to think it was the end of the world if a student got away with anything inappropriate. In contrast, I thought it was the end of the world if I made an accusation without irrefutable evidence. I was content to let them get away with a few small things. If the behavior persisted, I trusted that I’d catch them eventually. I also wanted to give them the chance to change without my intervention.
In my years as a student, and my decades as a teacher I didn’t meet many people who agreed with my perspective. The generally accepted belief was that students would take advantage of you if you gave them an opportunity. But I’ve found that it’s only by relinquishing control that you have any chance of making a positive impact.
The pitfalls of unconscious bias
I concluded that the beliefs and behaviors of my colleagues were driven more by their personal insecurities than a desire to maintain order.
We didn’t have a term for it then, but a lot of these teachers were motivated by some form of unconscious bias. Early on in the school year, they determined which kids were going to be troublemakers. Then, those kids were held to a higher standard than anyone else.
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If those students proved to be polite and hard working, that just provoked the teacher even more. People in positions of authority are often humiliated when they are proven wrong. Rather than acknowledge their own lack of judgment, these teachers were more likely to provoke the students they’d targeted into some form of altercation.
As a student, I was often on the receiving end of that kind of behavior. That contributed to why I resist the pull of suspicion.
Students with drug problems
When I was a student teacher, my mentor accused a kid of coming to class stoned. The student had already left, so I had to turn to my memory to validate the accusation. I recalled thinking that he might have been sick, but there wasn’t proof to determine he had consumed illegal drugs.
When I said as much, my mentor accused me of being naive. “Those kids are going to eat you alive.”
I was tempted to ask, “How familiar are you with the effects of marijuana?” But I think that would have made her angry. Still, if she was going to throw accusations around, it was a valid question. Was she a former addict? Was she a doctor? Had she grown up with a bunch of habitual users? Where was she drawing her information from?
The kid hadn’t caused any problems and he was up to date on his work, so I was inclined to assume he wasn’t taking drugs. But as a student teacher, I wasn’t in a position of power to challenge my mentor. I needed her signature on a card to pass the class. I wanted to get my license, so I had to go along with what she said… up to a point.
I don’t believe punishment is the appropriate response if a kid is coming to class high. I prefer to consider how I can help. As an educator, I always felt my job was to get kids back on the right track rather than get them into trouble. But my mentor was so enraged by the thought of a kid getting away with something, that she wouldn’t entertain any other form of dialogue.
Later in the year my mentor coordinated a drug raid with the local police department. They didn’t find anything.
A little bit of jealousy can be healthy
My wife indulges in jealousy more than I do, but I think that’s appropriate. For one thing, she is able to moderate her emotions better than I can. For example, she’s able to have a margarita once every three months or so and not think of one in the intervening time.
I know that if I have a margarita today, I’m going to want another one tomorrow. I don’t begrudge my wife having one when she chooses because it makes her happy. It doesn’t make me jealous because what’s the point? She and I are wired differently, what’s to be gained by becoming angry about that?
Just as I choose not to partake in alcohol, I also choose not to partake in jealousy. My wife asked me about it once, “You don’t get jealous do you?” I think she might have taken this as an indication that I didn’t have strong feelings. I had to explain that it was precisely because I do have strong feelings that I try not to get caught up in suspicion.
My wife can have an alcoholic drink and not be consumed by it. She can also indulge in a jealous thought without losing her perspective. I think, in moderation, a jealous thought can be valuable. As a woman and as an immigrant, my wife often observes potential dangers that are invisible to me. That’s for her protection, so I wouldn’t want to encroach on that.
If, every now and then, she gets the impression that another woman is flirting with me, I listen to her concerns and respect her observations. I appreciate that she takes the time to talk about these things. In this case, jealousy is a form of observation. The problem with observation is that we tend to find the things we’re looking for.
Relationships based on control are doomed
I’ve read stories about men who let themselves be consumed by jealousy when their wives become successful. My wife works outside the house and she has a lot of obligations. Sometimes she has to arrange events. She’s also a very engaging person with an energetic personality. She has a dazzling smile that tends to draw a crowd.
I’ve been in the presence of women who completely transform when their husbands are around. Their volume drops and they stop making eye contact. The silent husband stands off to the side, every muscle tense, as he attempts to stare a hole through your head.
It’s uncomfortable. A long time ago I resolved never to turn into that kind of man.
These men remind me of the teachers I used to know who were absolutely convinced their students were trying to cheat them. The problem is that the standoffish behavior helps manifest that fear into reality.
Do no harm
A little bit of jealousy can be endearing, but too much is disrespectful. Think of it like adding salt to a steak. Your partner might start to wonder if the reason you’re so jealous is because you know they can do better.
People get far too caught up in the idea of “right” vs “wrong” as if these are definable points. We need to become more comfortable with the idea of uncertainty. The idea that anything can be resolved is something of an illusion.
I get it. We spend our lives wallowing in a cesspool of injustice, and it’s infuriating. We want to make some kind of contribution to ensure that good will prevail. But even more important than making a positive contribution, we have to make sure that we don’t contribute to the bad that’s already out there.
You can’t become so hyper-fixated on finding things that are wrong that you become blind to everything that is right. We can’t be so paralyzed with terror at the idea that somebody might cheat us, that we allow ourselves to overlook all the things we love.
Not all paths align
The day after the talk with my mentor, I took the student aside and asked, “Are you doing okay? You didn’t seem like yourself and I just wanted to check in.” He didn’t confide anything, but our relationship changed after that. He seemed to be more alert in class. That was all I needed to know.
I established an avenue that he could use to approach me, but I left him in control.
All you need to do is ask. Don’t expect a student to thank you for being caught. All you have to do is take a moment to let them know you care. The same is true with your loved ones. Don’t shower them with jealousy, shower them with care. If they come home to a person who shows affection, there’s no need to seek it elsewhere.
It’s not up to us to use our power to force people to follow some idealized version of a righteous path. It’s our responsibility to use our power to encourage everyone to find that path on their own. We also have to recognize that the path they choose might not look like the one we’re on.
Forcing people doesn’t work. Jealousy provides a self-destructive illusion of power. The only consequence of control is that you end up becoming the inadvertent architect of your own misery.
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Your writing reminds me of two things. It took me until my early 30s for the idea sink in about an off-leash dog who will not return to me. First, I call for them to return. Second, my voice registers irritation. The third stage involves anger and frustration. Once the dog would come back, I would grab the collar in anger and yell at the dog because, ya know, dogs are logical, reasonable, and understand sentence structure... Me trying to explain to a sentient being, that I profess to love, that they are making me an unpleasant human when they return to me finally kicked in one day to show me exactly what a small child hears when a parent says you made me do this to you. Ugh, I was so surprised I was capable of being "one of them". This is the logic used by abusers, and I have the capacity to be one as evidenced in this example. I made a choice that day that I would work to be the one others *wanted* to come to and not run away from. Since I've never had kids, I have not been able to put this into practice with small humans.
This also reminds me of how my mom required us to call her on Sundays, or at least once a week, when we moved out. I finally made it a habit because it became easier to fulfill the obligation than listen to the messages she would leave about calling the police to come check on me or what if I were dead in the ditch somewhere. I didn't enjoy the required call and I refrained from saying anything more than basic small talk. The way I viewed it is my mom missed out on me wanting to spend any time with her or getting to know who I was as an adult.
I remember asking my aunt who did the same with my cousins if it wouldn't be nicer if kids called because they wanted to and not obligated to. She said no, they had to call. That has never made sense to me. When I hear elderly people say that their kids and grandkids never want to spend any time with them, it brings up so many questions I would like to ask them.
Walter, thank you so much for your valid perspective on jealousy. Sometimes, we just need to be reminded to know when and how to control it. I also loved the way you handled the situation with your student. I'm glad you used the caring approach to confront him. That showed you cared. ☺️❤️