Your writing reminds me of two things. It took me until my early 30s for the idea sink in about an off-leash dog who will not return to me. First, I call for them to return. Second, my voice registers irritation. The third stage involves anger and frustration. Once the dog would come back, I would grab the collar in anger and yell at the dog because, ya know, dogs are logical, reasonable, and understand sentence structure... Me trying to explain to a sentient being, that I profess to love, that they are making me an unpleasant human when they return to me finally kicked in one day to show me exactly what a small child hears when a parent says you made me do this to you. Ugh, I was so surprised I was capable of being "one of them". This is the logic used by abusers, and I have the capacity to be one as evidenced in this example. I made a choice that day that I would work to be the one others *wanted* to come to and not run away from. Since I've never had kids, I have not been able to put this into practice with small humans.
This also reminds me of how my mom required us to call her on Sundays, or at least once a week, when we moved out. I finally made it a habit because it became easier to fulfill the obligation than listen to the messages she would leave about calling the police to come check on me or what if I were dead in the ditch somewhere. I didn't enjoy the required call and I refrained from saying anything more than basic small talk. The way I viewed it is my mom missed out on me wanting to spend any time with her or getting to know who I was as an adult.
I remember asking my aunt who did the same with my cousins if it wouldn't be nicer if kids called because they wanted to and not obligated to. She said no, they had to call. That has never made sense to me. When I hear elderly people say that their kids and grandkids never want to spend any time with them, it brings up so many questions I would like to ask them.
What a great example. The answer I'd give is, "Why can't they call me then?" There's a forced obedience there that's not healthy. I'll have to remember that when my kids leave the home (hopefully not for a long time). Thanks for the thoughtful comment!
Walter, thank you so much for your valid perspective on jealousy. Sometimes, we just need to be reminded to know when and how to control it. I also loved the way you handled the situation with your student. I'm glad you used the caring approach to confront him. That showed you cared. ☺️❤️
Jealousy seems to me to be a pointless exercise, for no matter what, you cannot control the heart of another. I experienced jealous men in my youth, one who beat me up, and decided that I would not tolerate it in anyone, including myself. It is self-defeating and a sign of a very insecure person. Thank you for this piece, Walter.
I think you’re right. I’ll admit that every now and then I do get a flash of jealousy, but if you stop and look at it you realize it’s a reaction like a cough rather than a rational thought you should act upon. It’s a useful tool for getting a better understanding of our involuntary or conditioned responses, and with time you can make it go away. Thanks for your thoughtful comment!
Unfortunately, unconscious bias is everywhere because we all have an unconscious. However, it's also possible to be aware of it. Being aware of it makes it possible to keep doors open for connection rather than control.
Your writing reminds me of two things. It took me until my early 30s for the idea sink in about an off-leash dog who will not return to me. First, I call for them to return. Second, my voice registers irritation. The third stage involves anger and frustration. Once the dog would come back, I would grab the collar in anger and yell at the dog because, ya know, dogs are logical, reasonable, and understand sentence structure... Me trying to explain to a sentient being, that I profess to love, that they are making me an unpleasant human when they return to me finally kicked in one day to show me exactly what a small child hears when a parent says you made me do this to you. Ugh, I was so surprised I was capable of being "one of them". This is the logic used by abusers, and I have the capacity to be one as evidenced in this example. I made a choice that day that I would work to be the one others *wanted* to come to and not run away from. Since I've never had kids, I have not been able to put this into practice with small humans.
This also reminds me of how my mom required us to call her on Sundays, or at least once a week, when we moved out. I finally made it a habit because it became easier to fulfill the obligation than listen to the messages she would leave about calling the police to come check on me or what if I were dead in the ditch somewhere. I didn't enjoy the required call and I refrained from saying anything more than basic small talk. The way I viewed it is my mom missed out on me wanting to spend any time with her or getting to know who I was as an adult.
I remember asking my aunt who did the same with my cousins if it wouldn't be nicer if kids called because they wanted to and not obligated to. She said no, they had to call. That has never made sense to me. When I hear elderly people say that their kids and grandkids never want to spend any time with them, it brings up so many questions I would like to ask them.
What a great example. The answer I'd give is, "Why can't they call me then?" There's a forced obedience there that's not healthy. I'll have to remember that when my kids leave the home (hopefully not for a long time). Thanks for the thoughtful comment!
Walter, thank you so much for your valid perspective on jealousy. Sometimes, we just need to be reminded to know when and how to control it. I also loved the way you handled the situation with your student. I'm glad you used the caring approach to confront him. That showed you cared. ☺️❤️
Jealousy seems to me to be a pointless exercise, for no matter what, you cannot control the heart of another. I experienced jealous men in my youth, one who beat me up, and decided that I would not tolerate it in anyone, including myself. It is self-defeating and a sign of a very insecure person. Thank you for this piece, Walter.
I think you’re right. I’ll admit that every now and then I do get a flash of jealousy, but if you stop and look at it you realize it’s a reaction like a cough rather than a rational thought you should act upon. It’s a useful tool for getting a better understanding of our involuntary or conditioned responses, and with time you can make it go away. Thanks for your thoughtful comment!
Authoritarians love to control people. I grew up around so many of them, too.
It's the national identity unfortunately. We have so much work to do!
Unfortunately, unconscious bias is everywhere because we all have an unconscious. However, it's also possible to be aware of it. Being aware of it makes it possible to keep doors open for connection rather than control.
Yup! And it's also a neat motivation for future study!