My Daughter Played Basketball Against a Transgender Girl and This Is What Happened
Let’s imagine a scenario in which everyone is happy, healthy, and accepted
My daughter has been in middle school basketball for the last two years. We’re only in the program because the coach was the virtual learning teacher during the lockdown. She was such a fantastic teacher, I jumped at the idea of putting my daughter into youth basketball.
Follow good teachers. It doesn’t matter what they teach.
Our family is not one of those “rabid for high school sports” families. I think one of the big problems in the United States is that every single parent puts their kid into youth basketball with the idea that this will be their ticket out of poverty.
“You’ll get a scholarship! You’ll make the WNBA! Only THIS matters, forget about studying mathematics. Math is for nerds!”
At one of my daughter’s non-competitive tournaments, she went up against a team that had a transgender girl, and…
IT WAS TOTALLY FINE! There was no problem at all. The little girl was out there having fun with her teammates and she felt accepted and loved. I approved of her participation 100%.
In fact, the only time I’ve EVER been concerned about the safety of my daughter at a girl’s basketball tournament has been due to the irrational, aggressive, violent, and hostile behavior of entitled, white men (also known as the fathers).
Why is it that nobody’s talking about banning them?
Stoking irrational fears
I always feel a need to be cautious when I discuss transgender issues. I only have a peripheral awareness of what they must experience. Forgive me if I inadvertently use a phrase that’s insensitive or demonstrates an incomplete understanding. I’m trying to OWN the fact that I have an incomplete understanding.
I’m disturbed by a lot of the things I see going on in the United States of America these days. I’m tired of seeing books get banned from school shelves. I’m tired of people calling for violence against marginalized groups.
The first page of the fascist playbook is to always go after the LGBTQ+ community. The issue here is that the transgender community is an extremely small group, so they make an attractive target for fearmongering authoritarians (who are always bullies).
That means we HAVE to stand for the transgender kids, even if we’re not a member of that group.
Authoritarians flood the media with baseless attacks, and passive white moderates think “well, that issue doesn’t apply to me,” so those attacks go largely unchallenged.
It’s important for the opponents of authoritarianism to recognize where we have allies.
Authoritarians become hyper-focused on absurd scenarios
When you talk to authoritarians, they always act like a transgender basketball player will be a seven-foot-tall, 300-pound mass of raging testosterone who utterly dominates.
That wasn’t my experience at all.
The girl my daughter played against was the smallest player on the court. Actually, she didn’t handle the ball very well. Kids commit a lot of turnovers in middle school basketball. Who cares?
She tried her best and always had a big smile on her face. She was clearly having fun.
She obviously felt accepted and was a valued member of the team.
Do you see? This is how we show love and affection for our young people. This is how we demonstrate that their lives matter. This is how we are mindful of their mental health. This is how we build a community based on tolerance and equality.
For some reason, people in the United States can’t seem to understand that the transgender athlete might not be the best player on the court. The discussion is fixated on one type of player and absolutely fails to recognize any diversity in skill levels.
I didn’t put my daughter in girl’s basketball to dominate. I put her in there so she could be part of a team.
Only one team wins the championship. For every other player on every other team, it’s just a bonding experience.
Detractors are fixated on a scenario that is statistically irrelevant. We have to expand our viewpoint to include the whole picture.
“But what about…”
Authoritarians say nonsense like, “But what about later in life? What about when your daughter is competing to win the state title? What if she gets physically dominated by a player who was born a male? What if that stops her from getting a scholarship? Do you see? We’re the ones who really care about your daughter! Not you! We are the ones who know what’s best!”
That’s how they justify walking onto the court of a 3rd-grade girl’s basketball game and physically dragging the smallest player away. That’s how they justify sending that child home to bury her face in her pillow and cry herself to sleep.
It’s likely that I’ll be pulling my daughter out of school basketball in the next few years, but it’s not because of transgender athletes. I said it before. I’m scared of the toxic adult males. I’m scared of the fathers who rage and scream and storm the court as if they’ve just broken into the Capitol.
The idea that a transgender player might somehow become a problem isn’t even on my radar.
I’m concerned about the father who eats, sleeps, and breathes toxic masculinity. I don’t spend one-second thinking about transgender players.
The players are just kids trying to figure out their place in the world. They haven’t done anything wrong. I don’t fear them. I want to protect them.
Quit making decisions based on improbable scenarios
The American public spends a lot of time fretting about the issue of transgender athletes in high school sports. Why do they worry about that so much? Of all the possible outcomes, why do they have to get fixated on one improbable scenario?
They always think that the transgender athlete will “dominate” the other players as if the only reason people switch genders is to dominate high school sports. Even saying that is simply offensive.
Meanwhile, the American public completely ignores the VERY REAL DANGERS that confront us all.
You’re worried about a transgender athlete, but then you spend zero time thinking about how you might get sick and lose absolutely everything you own to hospital bills. Why don’t you think about that? That keeps me awake most nights. Why isn’t it on your radar?
It’s very, very likely that hospital bills are going to leave you bankrupt and destitute. Why doesn’t anyone ever want to talk about that? Why is everyone so easily distracted by improbable, worst-case scenarios that have never happened?
In the time it took you to read that paragraph, I bet somebody in YOUR FAMILY was just served with an excessive hospital bill that they won’t be able to pay.
Rethink your priorities.
My daughter played against a transgender girl and she had a great time!
Both of my daughters have had transgender girls in their classes for as long as I can remember. They’re sweet girls with long flowing hair who run and laugh and play just like every other child in the classroom.
When my girls hang out with those girls, I have absolutely ZERO concerns for their wellbeing.
However, I don’t allow my daughters to hang out with the Bible-thumping fathers with Confederate flags on their pickup trucks. Those men terrify me.
In the time my daughter has participated in middle school sports, I’ve seen a tremendous boost in her self-confidence. She has learned to work in a group. She has learned to listen to coaching. I’ve also seen improvements in her work ethic.
She is happy, and she is part of the community.
Transgender athletes are also part of her community, and they deserve the same opportunities as my daughters.
The only threat I see comes from the hostile bigots who feel entitled to commit acts of violence whenever they’re confronted with people who have the courage to be true to themselves.
We claim we care about the well-being of our children.
Let’s act like it.
Quit giving credibility to absurd authoritarian fearmongering.
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This story originally appeared on Medium where it performed well even though it wasn’t Boosted:
I don't feel as ashamed as I used in admitting that I was one of those toxic dads when my oldest son played middle school and high school soccer about 20 years ago. The need to win at all costs was a real problem for me. In therapy, I realized that I had been projecting my insecurities onto my son. It was likely that I harmed him, his teammates, opponents, and spectators in other ways during those years with my fears and anger. I had to stop going to his games rather than risk getting out of hand. Your level headedness towards your daughter's basketball experience reminded me that it's never too late to consider someone else's point of view. Thanks.
Thanks Walter for this post! I am amazed that no one else has the courage to discuss their experience! The ads during the campaign were designed to promote the extreme hatred of transgender people and played on that phobia! The unhinged white male is much worse!