The Waitress Isn’t “Into You,” It’s Her Job to be Nice
As a general rule, it’s impolite to flirt with women who are working
“Wow, that waitress is super into me!” a friend said, let’s call him Chuck.
“What makes you say that Chuck?”
“Well, didn’t you see the way she smiled at me?”
“She’s a waitress Chuck. She’s supposed to make you feel welcome here at this restaurant.”
“Yeah, but she went above and beyond.”
“Really Chuck? Enlighten me. All I saw was a woman being nice.”
“No, there was tension in the air. Didn’t you see the way she was playing with her hair, that’s a sign of sexual energy.”
“Maybe it was nervous energy Chuck. Maybe she picked up on the fact that you were paying her unwanted attention and she didn’t know how to make you stop.”
“No, she likes me, that’s obvious to anyone.”
“Did you notice how she scratched her nose with her middle finger Chuck? Maybe that’s the signal you should have picked up on.”
“What? No, she didn’t do that. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Just leave her alone Chuck. She’s here to work. You can at least show enough respect that you don’t make her feel uncomfortable. That’s not much to ask when you stop and think about it.”
Don’t flirt with a woman at her job
This has always been one of my rules. I’ve never felt right about flirting with a woman while she’s working. It’s just… unfair.
Most of the time, everybody would prefer to be doing anything other than working. We can at least show enough respect for each other that we don’t pester somebody when they’re already somewhere they don’t want to be.
I’ve gone through various awkward stages in my life. There have been times when I might have been convinced by the certainty of a guy like Chuck. One of the main problems of the world is that too many men convince themselves a woman is “flirting” when she has absolutely no interest whatsoever.
Many men think they’re being charming when really all they’re doing is harassing somebody.
Unwanted flirtation is harassment. We don’t emphasize this enough.
This is a no-win scenario for the server
The situation generally plays out the same.
The guy insists.
The girl politely rebuffs.
The guy insists again.
The girl politely rebuffs again.
The guy becomes more aggressive.
The girl finally loses her patience and tells him off.
The guy storms off to complain to the manager about how the server was “rude.” The guy calls her a “tease.” The guy throws a temper tantrum. The options get worse from there.
The man insists he’s some kind of “victim” but the only one who has to suffer any consequences is the woman. Thus has it ever been.
Mr. Showman
Some men completely transform when a waitress comes over to their table. They break into a big smile. They start making stupid, cringe-worthy dad jokes. They get loud like they’re putting on a show for everyone in the restaurant to “enjoy.”
“Why are you acting so weird?”
“What are you talking about? This is just my personality.”
“It’s not your personality, you’re behaving like a fool.”
Many men act like this even when they’re going out to dinner with their wife. The kicker is that it’s simply not possible to get these men to admit their behavior changes around waitresses. They’ll deny it to their grave even though it’s painfully obvious to everyone around them.
Restaurants that build their whole brand around this entitled male behavior
Cringeworthy male behavior is so normalized that some restaurants play into it. They even train their servers to engage in “friendly” banter. I suspect that idea didn’t come from the servers, it came from some dude who thought this was a great way to turn a better profit.
“Ask them if they want a king-sized beer or an effeminate princess-sized beer. That will make the pseudo-alpha males order the more expensive version! Cha-ching!”
That leads to bizarre conversations like this:
“Are you a king or a princess?”
“I’m a king.”
“Oh, are you now?”
Come on, a 50-year-old man shouldn’t be talking like this to an 18-year-old girl at work.
Even when I was 30 I ordered princess sized to avoid feeling creepy. Then I stopped going to places like that.
As is so often the case, if young women are made to feel uncomfortable by some social convention, they’re told to “suck it up” or “smile more.”
What we need to do as a society is have universal recognition that men don’t have any right to act like creeps around women under any circumstances.
We’re a long way from that society.
My tolerance for this has lessened throughout the years
As a general rule, men shouldn’t try to hit on a woman while she’s working. This is just a question of respect.
These days I feel I have a better understanding of when young women are uncomfortable and I’m more inclined to speak up.
Too many men see nervous laughter and perceive it as an opportunity to pounce.
At some point, American society discarded the idea of being a gentleman in favor of militant toxic masculinity.
“I’m an alpha male, yee-haw! I have guns and body armor and fifty zillion pictures of myself holding up a dead fish! Why aren’t women throwing themselves at my feet? I blame feminism.”
Sigh. Imagine a society that promoted decency instead of boorishness 24 hours a day.
How you should behave
Do you want to know how you should behave at a restaurant? I can’t believe I have to say it, but here goes. The rules are simple:
Don’t touch
Say please
Say thank you
Don’t talk with excessive volume
Don’t bark laughter like a hyena
Don’t make crude comments
Close your mouth when you chew
You can smile, but don’t stare
Don’t whistle or snap your fingers for attention
Be patient
Refrain from making any kind of body noises
These are the things I think about when the so-called “traditional values” types start to bleat about “attacks on masculinity.” It seems like every time I go out, I see a group of middle-aged boys acting like complete tools.
Stop with the alpha-male nonsense. Nobody finds that appealing. Be honest, it’s not working out for you, is it?
Try manners instead. Oafs and bullies are a dime a dozen. Gentlemen are in short supply.
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This should be sent to all MAGA IN BOLD CAPITAL LETTERS IN SCREAMING RED COLOR!!! This is perfect. Thanks you. All young men should also be given this
That said, I did meet my future husband (and father to my daughter) that way. I waited on his table and talked physics.