Toxic Families Lead to a Toxic Culture in the United States
A return to “traditional family values” is the opposite of progress
A child is taught a word. It might be the worst word in the world, but the child doesn’t know that.
The child hears his parents and friends use the word, so he uses it too. Sometimes they laugh when he says it, and he likes the sound of their laughter so he says it again and again.
When he’s older, he finds out that the word is bad. He learns this from his father. His father tells him, “Some people think this is a bad word. But you say that word, and I say that word, and mom says that word. Does that mean me and you and mom are all bad people?”
“No,” the child says. The child even feels anger that these nameless, faceless strangers would attack his family.
The child is inclined to defend the word and his right to say it.
Whether we know it or not, we’re all that child.
Whether it came from our biological fathers or the Founding Fathers, we’ve all been tricked into saying and believing bad things.
Getting tricked wasn’t our fault.
Staying tricked is.
Toxic families
It’s not easy recognizing flaws in the people and institutions you love. When you’re a child, you’re always scared and vulnerable. You have a sense of appreciation for people who provided you with shelter and protection.
Even terrible people protect and care for their children, otherwise the children wouldn’t survive to adulthood.
Toxic people take every act of generosity and wield it over you like a weapon. “You’re forgetting the good times!”
But even a jailer provides food and shelter to a prisoner. Those aren’t “good times.” The hooks of a family can turn us all into marionettes.
Breaking from a family
It’s taken me 50 years to sever all ties with my family. Except for my mom, I no longer talk to anyone I grew up with.
The last round of cuts came after the 2020 election. I told everyone I knew I wouldn’t have MAGA supporters in my life. Few of them took me seriously. Some of them laughed at me. They laughed a hysterical laugh.
I remember growing up surrounded by laughter, and thinking that this was harmless and even positive. However, I’ve started to rethink this position.
I’ve seen people weaponize laughter. It’s made me reassess political discourse, American history, and my personal relationship with my family.
Laughter as a weapon
How is it that we never discuss how laughter is used as a rhetorical rebuke? Laughter is a way to dismiss an argument and diminish the individual making it.
Essentially, laughter is used to sway opinion by making a premise seem ridiculous or absurd.
With the low level of intellectual discourse prevalent in the United States, it’s easy to see how this can be a problem. We can’t operate on a belief system that assumes something that sounds absurd can be dismissed. Once you engage in disciplined, intellectually honest study, you quickly realize how much of what is true does sound absurd at first blush.
The first scientist to propose continental drift got laughed out of the building. When Ignaz Semmelweis proposed washing hands to prevent the spread of disease, he was sent to an insane asylum and beaten to death.
Funny.
Growing up with mockery
I remember going to family gatherings and having to steel myself against constant attacks. My mom and dad always went in separate cars because after a while my mom couldn’t take it anymore and she had to leave.
“She’s no fun,” they said.
I had asthma, I had glasses. I didn’t have a weight problem, but as you’re growing you have moments when you develop a potbelly before you sprout. I knew going in what I would be attacked for.
I remember telling my dad that the comments were hurtful and he said, “You shouldn’t be so sensitive. It’s all in good fun. These people care about you.” The unwritten rule seemed to be that laughter was good and you were allowed to laugh without repercussions any time the spirit took you.
They were “jolly” people. They loved laughing. I just had to “grow a thicker skin.” The word they used was “Lilly,” but they might as well have said “snowflake.”
Old enough to hit back
Family reunions became more fun when I grew out of my glasses, got my asthma under control, and became an athletic 18-year-old. I was fit, attractive, and doing well in school.
Now it was my turn to unleash the ridicule. I realized that all of my relatives were overweight. Most of them were divorced. Their kids were struggling academically. There was no shortage of low-hanging fruit. It was easy to make jokes at their expense, they were all spiteful, pathetic human beings.
After one “boisterous,” “jolly,” meeting dominated by my scathing rebukes and mocking laughter, my dad took me aside. “You’re being too mean. Your words are hurtful.”
Wait a minute, what? Now it’s a problem? Now that it’s you that’s hurt, the rules have changed?
Now, where have I seen that reflected in modern American society?
You’re conditioned to forgive their trespasses so that they can control you
As I sit here writing this, I’m embarrassed by some of the statements that I’ve let people utter in my presence. You pick your battles, and we’re all conditioned not to cut ties with family.
Why?
It’s not “cutting ties” to ask somebody, “I find what you do painful and offensive, can you please stop?” If that’s the kind of statement that ends up with somebody out of your life forever then good riddance.
It’s easier to laugh when somebody says you routinely engage in racist behavior. It’s easier to declare, “I’m not a racist,” than to do the work required to become a better person. It’s easier to become affronted and say, “If that’s racist, then I guess my mom and dad are racist too because that’s the way they raised me.”
It’s always, always, always harder to admit that you are wrong and try to make amends. It’s always harder to be responsible. It’s always more difficult to behave like a mature adult.
That’s why nobody does it.
Nothing is beyond reproach
We’re taught never to be critical of “the father.” We’re taught to respect and admire the Founding Fathers. We’re taught that we must never question a person’s religion or God, the “all-father.”
They’ve used this convention to create blind spots in our psyche. They’ve installed programs that can never be examined or overwritten. They know we won’t be inclined to second-guess the rules that are transcribed there. So that’s where they hide their mechanism of control.
I distanced myself from my father in my 20s. The external pressure I felt was enormous. “You should respect your father.” Every random stranger with only a superficial understanding of the situation took the time to sit me down and give me a lecture.
It’s easier to believe the programming. Just go along with what everyone says. This nation is free. This is the land of opportunity. You’re lucky to be born here. Why are you so ungrateful?
The cult of America
All of our lives are controlled by powerful forces. We feel love. We feel terror. We feel gratitude. We feel frustrated. Conservatives say we need a return to traditional family values, but that’s the opposite of progress.
The false counselors present themselves as friends and then lead us down the path to ruin. They delight in watching us fail and encourage us every step along the way. Our true friends hold us to a standard that’s painful to endure but which will bring us autonomy eventually.
Most people pick easy.
Our parents were taught a bad word, and they passed that bad word down to us. It’s amazing how difficult it is to recognize we don’t have to say it. We don’t have to pass those transgressions down to our own kids. Nothing is beyond reproach. Nothing is so good that it can’t be better.
It’s time to take an honest look at the institutions and traditions that contribute to everything that is wrong with our country. It might be painful to dismantle the myth of the patriarch/deity, but in the long run choosing a path of responsibility sets the foundation for a greater chance of justice and prosperity.
“I'd rather Be Writing” exists because of your generous support. If you have the means please consider upgrading to a paid sponsorship. I have payment tiers starting at as little as twenty dollars a year. I'm so happy you're here, and I'm looking forward to sharing more thoughts with you tomorrow.
My CoSchedule referral link
Here’s my referral link to my preferred headline analyzer tool. If you sign up through this, it’s another way to support this newsletter (thank you).
I used to work with a conservative woman who would say very negative things but “soften” them with a little laugh. I don’t know if she was conscious about doing it or if she thought making it seem like a joke made it ok, but over time the sound of her laugh automatically pissed me off.
Usually, gaining self-awareness and breaking free from the constraints of conformity is challenging. It takes time, maybe even generations…This process demands significant inner transformation, which people often instinctively resist.
When do we stop resisting? Won’t it be too late when people finally realize it?
The reluctance to change is deeply rooted in each individual's personal history, as well as intergenerational inherited patterns and traumas. However, discussions like this one can be a catalyst.
I truly hope more people are getting inspired and recognize the possibility of positive change and personal growth.
Things could get better; they really can if we choose to do our part.