What Does It Mean to Be a Survivor of Christian Abuse?
Our society needs to show more compassion for individuals who have endured terrible acts of betrayal
Hello Friends,
I strongly believe that every time we discuss the impact Christianity has on our society we must show consideration for the survivors of Christian abuse. When there are public movements to place the 10 Commandments in schools, we should take some time to hear from people who experience trauma at the sight of such displays.
Their voices matter too. We can’t be participants in any effort to erase them from history. All people deserve grace, especially people who have suffered the worst kinds of betrayal.
With the current administration creating a government task force dedicated to eradicating anti-Christian bias, it’s important that we have honest representation for individuals who have endured legitimate trauma.
When it comes to conversations about Christianity, I often identify myself as a survivor of Christian abuse. I find it’s a useful thing to say because it establishes that not every action of the church has been good or beneficial for many people.
One of the main issues with any religious discussion is the assumption that religious groups have the right to judge you, but you never have the right or authority to question them. This leaves you at an immediate power disadvantage before the discussion even begins.
From that starting point, it’s impossible to achieve a fair accommodation. Ultimately, the religious representative seeks to establish himself or herself as the voice of divine authority, and suggests that you are disrespectful and inappropriate if you offer anything but absolute compliance.
You can see how creating that situation would be attractive to serial abusers. They’ve got you two thirds of the way to being groomed for abuse just in the assumption of how the conversation will go.
A phrase like “survivor of Christian abuse” is useful because of its ambiguity. You should feel no obligation to offer any further details as to the abuse you’ve endured.
“I do not wish to disclose the specifics, only that I’ve endured Christian abuse.”
This is about the only phrase I’ve ever found that puts Christians off their judgmental attitude to establish a more equitable power distribution. Christians are aware that many child abusers are members of the faith community. It’s an ongoing scandal that has never been properly discussed or addressed.
I’ve never been able to understand how effectively the church has managed to control the sexual assault narrative. It’s gotten so bad that if you say, “I was raped by a priest” you are likely to be seen as the individual who made an inappropriate comment.
That is a simply awful way to treat abuse survivors.
Imagine how disrespectful it is to be more interested in protecting the reputation of your religion than to offer compassion. These days, I have a hard time maintaining my patience when people deflect conversations away from the Christian abuses that plague our society.
We simply need to have honest and fair conversations about the way Christianity helps or hinders our society. If there’s an effort to only have unfair discussions, what does that say about the religion?
Recently I posted the following comment:
Somebody immediately responded to “educate” me on the fact that “many Christians don’t see healing the sick and helping the poor as the job of the government.”
I find that to be an extremely bizarre comment because there’s been such a push lately to falsely identify the United States as a “Christian nation” even though that’s never been the case. In fact, the United States was among the first nations to create the separation of church and state.
When even rich, white men who are so corrupt that they own human slaves as property see a “danger” when it comes to religion, I think we should pay attention.
However, it’s a completely legitimate point to ask why a “Christian” nation means authoritarianism and bigotry, when it could just as easily mean universal healthcare and education. But when you try to get a discussion started on that point, you’re instantly subjected to a haughty and hostile lecture.
I said as much to the individual who tried to “educate” me on how the majority of Christians think and why I need to defer to their beliefs rather than point out the hypocrisy of them.
Here’s the note I posted after eventually blocking that individual.
When I invoked the phrase “survivor of Christian abuse,” the abuse denier left a comment that started off well.
“I have no familiarity with your experiences…” he began. For a flickering moment, I thought, “Maybe this will be a fair and productive interaction.”
But then he made the classic pivot, “BUT, you are engaging in sweeping and unfair generalizations…”
That’s where I quit reading because whenever I’m arguing with a Christian abuse denier and they try to attack me with the “sweeping generalization” argument, I always point out how that’s a characteristic of Christianity.
“If you denounce sweeping generalizations, then you do you denounce the Christian religion’s frequent use of the offensive generalization that everyone is a sinner?”
Unfair sweeping generalizations are essential to the Christian doctrine. So, if they want to tell other people not to use them, then they should hold themselves to the same standard.
Our children don’t have to be indoctrinated to believe they must respect the insulting idea that “everyone is a sinner.” In fact, I think that we could go a long way to ending Christian child abuse if we informed children that they don’t have to believe they’re sinners.
When serial abusers are trying to groom kids for rape, the first thing they do is break down their self esteem. “You’re worthless. Nobody’s ever going to love you. You made mistakes. You’re an awful sinner that deserves to be punished.”
This is Christian abuse even if it never becomes a physical attack.
Consider how depraved it is for somebody to show the bravery to acknowledge they were “survivors of Christian abuse” only to have a Christian abuse denier blow past that statement almost as if they were executing another form of assault.
“Forget about what you went through, let’s talk about how it affects me when you mention it.”
The worst part is that our whole society bows down to this expectation. We’ve all been conditioned to believe that the stories of Christian abuse survivors mean less than the discomfort the attackers feel when you call them out.
I brought this up to one of my friends, and she sent me a very nice email on behalf of all Christians apologizing for the abuse I’ve had to endure. It was a wonderful message to receive, and it’s exactly the way that kind and compassionate people should behave.
But let’s be clear, that message was the exception. It isn’t the rule. Almost always I get comments from people who want to divert the conversation away from the crimes of the church and instead discuss the statistically irrelevant acts of performative charity.
In my state, school voucher programs diverted over half a billion dollars from public schools to private schools that were often religious. Remember that private schools are allowed to discriminate. Public schools have to educate everybody. Christian private schools began to proliferate after the repeal of segregation.
We have to have fair conversations on the extent to which racism has been allowed to proliferate and endure because of the protections of the cross.
The local church often does a backpack drive for local school kids. My wife goes and helps because she likes to assist the Spanish speaking population in our town. Yes, it’s nice that there is a church giving away backpacks, but in the context of a half a billion dollar theft of funds designated for public education, it feels more like a distraction than a true act of charity.
When you say, “Let’s talk about the money that’s missing.”
And all the Christians say, “Don’t forget about the backpacks! What about the backpacks?”
You can see how it’s a problem.
The whole point of using a phrase like “survivor of Christian abuse” is to raise awareness over the mechanisms that exist that prevent us from ever having productive conversations about the potentially negative effects of religion.
How good a parent can you be if you refuse to even consider whether or not the ideology of Christianity might be doing irreparable harm to your child?
Furthermore, if you think it’s a good ideology, why are you afraid to have that independently verified?
To me, this pre-installed compliance is revealing. When you say, “I’m a survivor of Christian abuse,” people instantly assume you were raped.
That’s because there is a huge general awareness of the number of children who are raped by members of the faith community. We know that it’s a threat. We suppress our knowledge of that danger. Our cowardice leaves our children vulnerable.
Start having these conversations. Let’s stop participating in silencing and shaming the brave survivors who stepped forward.
Here’s the most important part: You need to be an advocate for the survivors of Christian abuse even if it NEVER HAPPENED TO YOU! That’s what compassion MEANS!
Wouldn’t it be nice if we had some sort of a cultural ideology that was committed to empathy rather than punishment? If we push aside our authoritarian conditioning, we can start making steps towards a society where nobody even considers casting the first stone.
You show me somebody who claims he knows the word of God and I’ll show you a liar. It’s time we all showed greater respect for the value of humility. Forget about the excuses and refortify your commitment to kindness, empathy, and compassion.
Somebody else said something similar… a long, long time ago.
“I'd rather Be Writing” exists because of your generous support. If you have the means please consider upgrading to a paid sponsorship. I have payment tiers starting at as little as twenty dollars a year. I'm so happy you're here, and I'm looking forward to sharing more thoughts with you tomorrow.
My CoSchedule referral link
Here’s my referral link to my preferred headline analyzer tool. If you sign up through this, it’s another way to support this newsletter (thank you).
Whether they are aware of it, or not, EVERY woman indoctrinated in the current Christian movement is an abuse victim. The idea that women should be subservient to men is pervasive. EVERY woman should question this.
"One of the main issues with any religious discussion is the assumption that religious groups have the right to judge you, but you never have the right or authority to question them. This leaves you at an immediate power disadvantage before the discussion even begins."
This is particularly the case when it comes to parochial or faith-based teaching. The various residential schools which operated in Canada and the U.S. in the 19th and 20th centuries were predicated on the idea of the teachers and staff speaking with the "voice of God" and the Indigenous students having no social support or legal recourse. As a result, those running the schools could justify any form of the many types of punishment involved, up to and including acts of depravity, as being part of 'God's plan".
It is far more this version of Christian power, as opposed to the far more merciful one of Jesus, which many modern Christians who seek power and influence wish to emulate.
Yet many of us outside Christian circles understand that there are negative consequences to these beliefs, and hope for punishment for those who perpetrated these acts. We also hope for the gradual break-up of relations between Christianity and right-wing politics as an outgrowth of this punishment, for this has allowed Christian influence to continue to exist when it should not.