Wow, tears. I’m so sorry. He really, really missed out. Your daughters could have provided so much joy in his life. It does make me wonder though if your ability to write so well, to describe things/relationships and human behavior so well, comes in part from this estrangement. And we all have trauma. It’s what we do with it that matters. What a sad, sad man to have chosen so unwisely. …it made me think of my how lucky I was to have my mom help me so much through my divorce (financially, and check ins on the phone), in spite of the fact that her religion didn’t let her believe in breaking that sacrament. Her version of helping “change a tire” for her daughter. Thank you for this thoughtful piece, Walter (as usual).
Yup! But the thing is, I could have provided a lot of joy in his life too. He just wasn't interested in participating in that. He was too focused on grievance. Yes, I think we have to experience pain to really work to try and end it for others. Support means the world in tough times. I'm glad your mother found a way to be there for you! Thanks Suzanne!
Yes, his rigidity didn’t benefit anyone. And as a parent, he did you no favors. “Hurt people hurt people,” as they say, when they don’t deal with their own sh*t. He missed out… entirely. I bet you were a cool child and teen with a lot of big thoughts.
Walter, you’re a testament to resilience, you lost out on what every child deserves, a supportive and unconditionally loving father. It did not break you, quite the contrary you grew and thrived. You raised two beautiful children and gave them what your father could not❤️
It is hard sometimes to accept the limitations of our parents, and even though the loss is his not to have been able to experience some of the joys of grandparenthood, it is sad for you too. Was your mother around to mitigate this loss? You can rest assured that because of your awareness you are not repeating his mistakes which he was repeating and which were probably repeated from one generation to the next.
I’m truly sorry that stubbornness and pride got in the way of your father knowing you as an adult, or enjoying the love of your daughters. I guess he felt sustained by his righteous anger. I have found, through so many lost friends during this political quagmire, that some feel it’s more important to be right than to be kind. But leaving the relationship with a parent is so much more significant than a friend. I can’t imagine my past without my parents’ help and support. They continued to be present at every stage of my life until they were both gone. I feel bad for you to have been denied that connection. You learned a valuable lesson from your dad. How not to be…….
Thank you Alice. Yes, I was reflecting on how it's already over. The 20 years have gone. They aren't coming back. I think, too often, we look at this situation from what is right vs what is wrong. But that's out the door now since it's already done. The decision has been made. Even if there is a moment of reconciliation, it doesn't erase the years that have gone by. I don't think we contemplate conflict with this approach often enough. We don't have enough awareness of how much is at risk. Yes, whenever I don't know how to at, I just think of how my dad would have reacted and I do the opposite.
Thanks Shari! It occurred to me that we rarely talk about 20 years after a decision. Maybe a few parents will rethink their choices if they read this and realize they're the ones who stand to lose.
I think about it often in regard to my own children. I hope we never have this level of conflict.
Sorry I can’t be a paid subscriber right now. My costs keep going up…. Putting my Lucy hat on (Charlie Brown) I am going to give you some unsolicited advice. Take into consideration this is a statement made from a 72yo perspective. All people have a major glitch that impacts those around them. I practiced law and began to realize that, if I dug into their past, I could often understand how even a murderer came to be a murderer or a thief came to be a thief. I’m not saying it would be beneficial to you or your children to reconnect with your father but gaining some understanding of your father’s own experiences might help you see he was genuinely unable to overcome barriers to emotionally connect in relationships. Just a thought. You seem to have a lot of wisdom about what nourishes your family and will know best.
Hi Virginia! I totally understand! Never take food off your table to support me :) .The likes, comments, and shares are greatly appreciated!
With regard to my father, I did all that already. I wasted years and years trying to get through to him and all it got me was suicidal. There's an inner barrier that won't let him be around my kids. My instinctive self won't allow it.
It's like any bully. They just keep taking until you make them stop. The president is the same way. Thanks for your kind words and your support!
Ultimately it’s THEIR choice to keep the distance. A genuine heartfelt communication may or may not open the door . But it’s a start. Sometimes for your own health and well being no news is good news. I’ve had to do much the same with a former close friend and a family member. But my definition of family is more fluid than most folks. And I’m much the happier for it.
Walter you are a true survivor who took the high road and have been doing right by your daughters. They are so fortunate to have a man that is able to be soft and kind and loving. My father was like that for me. He sadly passed when I was 16 but I will never forget all the thing he did for me and the love he had for me. Unfortunately my mom was not the same towards me and was a constant critic. I eventually had to do what you did and she lost a ll that time for not being close to my boys. Those are things we have to do for survival and to be able to be good parents ourselves. Life is tough. Sadly children do not come with instructions. I am glad you have the relationship with your girls and that your wife is supportive too. Keep up with your story writing for the girls. My dad read to me every night when i was young. Those are things they will remember.
Yes, I think it's becoming a lot more normalized for kids to go no contact these days. That's an important thing. Older generations tend to believe that's just not on the table, so they think they can negotiate from a position of strength. Unfortunately, that turns them into bullies and they lose everything. Our whole society needs to be more humanitarian and caring. Thanks for your kind words Teri! I'm sure you are a wonderful parent too! I'm glad your dad read to you, I still read to mine and I have a freshman :)
I think the bonding that comes from reading to kids is very important. He had a book with 365 stories so there was one for each day of the year and I still have that book. It brings great comfort to me. Suck up all the love and listening you can from the girls. You are a real girl dad. So proud to know there are still this out there. Have you read "the Mouthy Renegade Writer " on Substack . He is a real girl dad and has an immigrant wife. He supports his daughters thru think and thin and had a similar upbringing with his dad. If you haven't read any of his stuff I highly recommend. His dad is not well and he is writing about how hard it is to "do the right thing"
Yup. I don't think our society gives enough attention to how much it hurts these older generations when they insist on being stubborn assholes. I always defend the younger generations. They are our children, anything wrong with them is our fault.
I gave my “father” so many chances over the years, thinking he would change. He did not. His last text to me stated- “It is done. You are out of my life and out of the will.” I sent him back laughing emoji. Haven’t looked back.
That's unfortunate. The people who bring the will into it aren't really aware of the whole picture. They seem to forget that their kids are just as mortal as they are. We are all human beings in need of love and support. I'm sorry you had to deal with that! I hope you've found the respect and compassion you deserve!
have you ever thought about how your dad came to be the way he is? In my family, trauma in previous generations helped to explain my parents’ behavior. due to his own stubbornness. While I’m happy that you escaped your father‘s narrow world, I feel sorry for your dad for all the things he missed due to his own stubbornness.
Of course. I spent the whole first half of my life trying to accommodate him. It almost destroyed me. People have an obligation to get their act together. This patriarchal model hurts everyone.
Wow, tears. I’m so sorry. He really, really missed out. Your daughters could have provided so much joy in his life. It does make me wonder though if your ability to write so well, to describe things/relationships and human behavior so well, comes in part from this estrangement. And we all have trauma. It’s what we do with it that matters. What a sad, sad man to have chosen so unwisely. …it made me think of my how lucky I was to have my mom help me so much through my divorce (financially, and check ins on the phone), in spite of the fact that her religion didn’t let her believe in breaking that sacrament. Her version of helping “change a tire” for her daughter. Thank you for this thoughtful piece, Walter (as usual).
Yup! But the thing is, I could have provided a lot of joy in his life too. He just wasn't interested in participating in that. He was too focused on grievance. Yes, I think we have to experience pain to really work to try and end it for others. Support means the world in tough times. I'm glad your mother found a way to be there for you! Thanks Suzanne!
Yes, his rigidity didn’t benefit anyone. And as a parent, he did you no favors. “Hurt people hurt people,” as they say, when they don’t deal with their own sh*t. He missed out… entirely. I bet you were a cool child and teen with a lot of big thoughts.
Yes, it takes two to tango, but both have to be able to walk to the dance floor
Well said!
Walter, you’re a testament to resilience, you lost out on what every child deserves, a supportive and unconditionally loving father. It did not break you, quite the contrary you grew and thrived. You raised two beautiful children and gave them what your father could not❤️
It is hard sometimes to accept the limitations of our parents, and even though the loss is his not to have been able to experience some of the joys of grandparenthood, it is sad for you too. Was your mother around to mitigate this loss? You can rest assured that because of your awareness you are not repeating his mistakes which he was repeating and which were probably repeated from one generation to the next.
I’m truly sorry that stubbornness and pride got in the way of your father knowing you as an adult, or enjoying the love of your daughters. I guess he felt sustained by his righteous anger. I have found, through so many lost friends during this political quagmire, that some feel it’s more important to be right than to be kind. But leaving the relationship with a parent is so much more significant than a friend. I can’t imagine my past without my parents’ help and support. They continued to be present at every stage of my life until they were both gone. I feel bad for you to have been denied that connection. You learned a valuable lesson from your dad. How not to be…….
Thank you Alice. Yes, I was reflecting on how it's already over. The 20 years have gone. They aren't coming back. I think, too often, we look at this situation from what is right vs what is wrong. But that's out the door now since it's already done. The decision has been made. Even if there is a moment of reconciliation, it doesn't erase the years that have gone by. I don't think we contemplate conflict with this approach often enough. We don't have enough awareness of how much is at risk. Yes, whenever I don't know how to at, I just think of how my dad would have reacted and I do the opposite.
Beautiful post — wise and healthy decision
Thanks Shari! It occurred to me that we rarely talk about 20 years after a decision. Maybe a few parents will rethink their choices if they read this and realize they're the ones who stand to lose.
I think about it often in regard to my own children. I hope we never have this level of conflict.
Such a shame.I’m glad you have done well.
Thanks Virginia. Unfortunately, much of our society seems designed to ruin parent/child relationships. Still, we have to overcome!
Sorry I can’t be a paid subscriber right now. My costs keep going up…. Putting my Lucy hat on (Charlie Brown) I am going to give you some unsolicited advice. Take into consideration this is a statement made from a 72yo perspective. All people have a major glitch that impacts those around them. I practiced law and began to realize that, if I dug into their past, I could often understand how even a murderer came to be a murderer or a thief came to be a thief. I’m not saying it would be beneficial to you or your children to reconnect with your father but gaining some understanding of your father’s own experiences might help you see he was genuinely unable to overcome barriers to emotionally connect in relationships. Just a thought. You seem to have a lot of wisdom about what nourishes your family and will know best.
Hi Virginia! I totally understand! Never take food off your table to support me :) .The likes, comments, and shares are greatly appreciated!
With regard to my father, I did all that already. I wasted years and years trying to get through to him and all it got me was suicidal. There's an inner barrier that won't let him be around my kids. My instinctive self won't allow it.
It's like any bully. They just keep taking until you make them stop. The president is the same way. Thanks for your kind words and your support!
Ultimately it’s THEIR choice to keep the distance. A genuine heartfelt communication may or may not open the door . But it’s a start. Sometimes for your own health and well being no news is good news. I’ve had to do much the same with a former close friend and a family member. But my definition of family is more fluid than most folks. And I’m much the happier for it.
Walter you are a true survivor who took the high road and have been doing right by your daughters. They are so fortunate to have a man that is able to be soft and kind and loving. My father was like that for me. He sadly passed when I was 16 but I will never forget all the thing he did for me and the love he had for me. Unfortunately my mom was not the same towards me and was a constant critic. I eventually had to do what you did and she lost a ll that time for not being close to my boys. Those are things we have to do for survival and to be able to be good parents ourselves. Life is tough. Sadly children do not come with instructions. I am glad you have the relationship with your girls and that your wife is supportive too. Keep up with your story writing for the girls. My dad read to me every night when i was young. Those are things they will remember.
Yes, I think it's becoming a lot more normalized for kids to go no contact these days. That's an important thing. Older generations tend to believe that's just not on the table, so they think they can negotiate from a position of strength. Unfortunately, that turns them into bullies and they lose everything. Our whole society needs to be more humanitarian and caring. Thanks for your kind words Teri! I'm sure you are a wonderful parent too! I'm glad your dad read to you, I still read to mine and I have a freshman :)
I think the bonding that comes from reading to kids is very important. He had a book with 365 stories so there was one for each day of the year and I still have that book. It brings great comfort to me. Suck up all the love and listening you can from the girls. You are a real girl dad. So proud to know there are still this out there. Have you read "the Mouthy Renegade Writer " on Substack . He is a real girl dad and has an immigrant wife. He supports his daughters thru think and thin and had a similar upbringing with his dad. If you haven't read any of his stuff I highly recommend. His dad is not well and he is writing about how hard it is to "do the right thing"
Yep! I know him from Medium. In fact I told him to start a Substack :)
You two are great to read. Glad you know him on substack
Thanks Teri! Yes, we actually do a virtual meeting once or twice a month to discuss strategies.
been there. ouch
Yup. I don't think our society gives enough attention to how much it hurts these older generations when they insist on being stubborn assholes. I always defend the younger generations. They are our children, anything wrong with them is our fault.
I gave my “father” so many chances over the years, thinking he would change. He did not. His last text to me stated- “It is done. You are out of my life and out of the will.” I sent him back laughing emoji. Haven’t looked back.
That's unfortunate. The people who bring the will into it aren't really aware of the whole picture. They seem to forget that their kids are just as mortal as they are. We are all human beings in need of love and support. I'm sorry you had to deal with that! I hope you've found the respect and compassion you deserve!
have you ever thought about how your dad came to be the way he is? In my family, trauma in previous generations helped to explain my parents’ behavior. due to his own stubbornness. While I’m happy that you escaped your father‘s narrow world, I feel sorry for your dad for all the things he missed due to his own stubbornness.
Of course. I spent the whole first half of my life trying to accommodate him. It almost destroyed me. People have an obligation to get their act together. This patriarchal model hurts everyone.