I took back my birth name after first divorce as it cost a fortune in court so I just added it with the divorce papers. I was an RN with maiden name and to change license would have been a pain. We are individuals and deserve to be treated that way. My kids would always have a different last name anyway and they thought nothing of me using my maiden name. You are a good man and she is a lucky wife. Love this article.
Laws only matter if they’re enforced. It would be solidarity with the people if administrators/gatekeepers/enforcers would ignore unethical/repressive laws. Our fascist government is making repressive laws to criminalize, dehumanize, marginalize people - and disenfranchise folk. Civil rights lawyers and advocates are trying to tie these up in court, but meanwhile the fascist government is terrorizing and criminalizing its people. States need to pushback hard and collectively.
When I got married, I stopped using my middle name and my maiden name replaced it. I had no trouble changing my driver’s license and social security ID to match. No problems changing my voter registration or driver’s license each time we moved. We transferred 15 times for my spouse’s career, bought houses, cars, worked, had kids, all with no problem. When I applied for a real ID driver’s license I had a problem. I had to get a new copy of my marriage license because the raised seal didn’t seem raised enough to them. Despite having other forms of ID they accept for Real ID licenses- ones men used with no problem. The seal to my birth certificate which is much older was fine. Finally satisfied, they would only issue my license with my maiden name spelled out instead of the initial as it was for the past 20 years in this state. My mother who never stopped using my original middle name/initial passed away four years ago. I had no problems with my inheritance despite the middle initial on my driver’s license not matching. I recently applied for Medicare because I’ll be 65 soon and had no issues. I’m now kicking myself for letting my passport expire several years ago.
Your wife had a great point about what name to choose for your kids. The US has never been "great" especially when it comes to racism and nationalism. For a place that loves to call itself a melting pot and a nation created by immigrants, they sure are particular about *which* immigrants they embrace.
All last names in the US are patriarchal. Husband's name or father's name, most of the time. There are some people of course who don't choose either of their birth names and pick a whole new one, I've friends who did this, I've also got friends where he took on her last name, but these are not common. When I got married, in 1987, I changed my last name to my husband's on purpose- it was a gift to him, and I already knew I was going to get enough personal societal flack for choosing not to have children, lol, why give more grist to the mill. I still use my birth last name as my middle name, and occasionally as a pen name.
We have to make decisions that make the most sense to us. It's a shame how often people will complain about something that has nothing to do with them.
Some years ago, I wanted to take advantage of the fact that my father was born in Italy to apply for dual American-Italian citizenship. My bureaucratic problem was my mother. Her birth name was Elsie Irene McNeely, but nobody ever called her Elsie. She was known by her middle name. Unfortunately, she had signed some documents with her full name and some with only her middle name. The Italian bureaucrats didn't want to believe that Elsie Irene and Irene were the same woman. I never did get my dual citizenship and, as a result, I never auditioned as an opera singer in Italy, where I probably could have enjoyed a lively career.
When I got married many years ago I scorned women who changed their name. I never ever considered it. All these ancient patriarchal practices have got to go.
Strangely, such problems can sometimes get dangerous; we are just trying to navigate.
Such issues seemed insurmountable during the Cold War, but were still not as frightening as those now in Donald Land.
In 1965, I won a BBC competition with my paper on quantum physicist Paul Dirac, the youngest scientist (31) to win a Nobel prize ever. The prize was a collection of books and records worth 20 Pounds, to be mailed to my address in Budapest. I had an extremely courageous plan (at the time): to get the prize in cash in London. Everybody was laughing at me for having such a ridiculous idea in those Cold War years. I was stubborn and searched first for the name of the head of the BBC Hungarian Service, to write a letter to them. I have found it: Mr. Francis Rentoul. The surname was French, and I was fantasizing that he could have his forefathers' name back in the eleventh century, when France ruled England. I had the same idea about Dirac, which is also a French name. In a few months, I met Rentoul in the Broadcasting House in London and introduced myself in English. He laughed, patted my shoulder, answered in impeccable Hungarian, and told me about his tortures with Her Majesty's bureaucracy regarding his strange Hungarian name. When I was fortunate to meet Dirac in Florida fifteen years later, I learned that his parents came from French Switzerland, and his father never allowed them to speak English at the dinner table in Bristol.
That's good he made the kids speak French. My kids resisted speaking Spanish too, but now my eldest is very happy about being the best Spanish student in her class :)
What a great article! I really like the statement “your marriage belongs to you.” Our nephew and his wife both changed their last name to Paul, the name of our brother-in-law who passed away. It was a beautiful gesture and that name will always have great meaning for them. (Another reason why we have to stop the Senate from passing the SAVE act!)
I took back my birth name after first divorce as it cost a fortune in court so I just added it with the divorce papers. I was an RN with maiden name and to change license would have been a pain. We are individuals and deserve to be treated that way. My kids would always have a different last name anyway and they thought nothing of me using my maiden name. You are a good man and she is a lucky wife. Love this article.
Laws only matter if they’re enforced. It would be solidarity with the people if administrators/gatekeepers/enforcers would ignore unethical/repressive laws. Our fascist government is making repressive laws to criminalize, dehumanize, marginalize people - and disenfranchise folk. Civil rights lawyers and advocates are trying to tie these up in court, but meanwhile the fascist government is terrorizing and criminalizing its people. States need to pushback hard and collectively.
It just occurred to me that if this country (USA) could be gutted in 100 days it wasnt very great, anyway. Rotten to the core.
That's very true.
When I got married, I stopped using my middle name and my maiden name replaced it. I had no trouble changing my driver’s license and social security ID to match. No problems changing my voter registration or driver’s license each time we moved. We transferred 15 times for my spouse’s career, bought houses, cars, worked, had kids, all with no problem. When I applied for a real ID driver’s license I had a problem. I had to get a new copy of my marriage license because the raised seal didn’t seem raised enough to them. Despite having other forms of ID they accept for Real ID licenses- ones men used with no problem. The seal to my birth certificate which is much older was fine. Finally satisfied, they would only issue my license with my maiden name spelled out instead of the initial as it was for the past 20 years in this state. My mother who never stopped using my original middle name/initial passed away four years ago. I had no problems with my inheritance despite the middle initial on my driver’s license not matching. I recently applied for Medicare because I’ll be 65 soon and had no issues. I’m now kicking myself for letting my passport expire several years ago.
I am happy my wife kept her former married name, her children carry that name.
We both know we love each other; that is all we have needed for many years.
Your wife had a great point about what name to choose for your kids. The US has never been "great" especially when it comes to racism and nationalism. For a place that loves to call itself a melting pot and a nation created by immigrants, they sure are particular about *which* immigrants they embrace.
All last names in the US are patriarchal. Husband's name or father's name, most of the time. There are some people of course who don't choose either of their birth names and pick a whole new one, I've friends who did this, I've also got friends where he took on her last name, but these are not common. When I got married, in 1987, I changed my last name to my husband's on purpose- it was a gift to him, and I already knew I was going to get enough personal societal flack for choosing not to have children, lol, why give more grist to the mill. I still use my birth last name as my middle name, and occasionally as a pen name.
We have to make decisions that make the most sense to us. It's a shame how often people will complain about something that has nothing to do with them.
I love this post so much.
Thank you Jessica!
Some years ago, I wanted to take advantage of the fact that my father was born in Italy to apply for dual American-Italian citizenship. My bureaucratic problem was my mother. Her birth name was Elsie Irene McNeely, but nobody ever called her Elsie. She was known by her middle name. Unfortunately, she had signed some documents with her full name and some with only her middle name. The Italian bureaucrats didn't want to believe that Elsie Irene and Irene were the same woman. I never did get my dual citizenship and, as a result, I never auditioned as an opera singer in Italy, where I probably could have enjoyed a lively career.
When I got married many years ago I scorned women who changed their name. I never ever considered it. All these ancient patriarchal practices have got to go.
Walter,
Strangely, such problems can sometimes get dangerous; we are just trying to navigate.
Such issues seemed insurmountable during the Cold War, but were still not as frightening as those now in Donald Land.
In 1965, I won a BBC competition with my paper on quantum physicist Paul Dirac, the youngest scientist (31) to win a Nobel prize ever. The prize was a collection of books and records worth 20 Pounds, to be mailed to my address in Budapest. I had an extremely courageous plan (at the time): to get the prize in cash in London. Everybody was laughing at me for having such a ridiculous idea in those Cold War years. I was stubborn and searched first for the name of the head of the BBC Hungarian Service, to write a letter to them. I have found it: Mr. Francis Rentoul. The surname was French, and I was fantasizing that he could have his forefathers' name back in the eleventh century, when France ruled England. I had the same idea about Dirac, which is also a French name. In a few months, I met Rentoul in the Broadcasting House in London and introduced myself in English. He laughed, patted my shoulder, answered in impeccable Hungarian, and told me about his tortures with Her Majesty's bureaucracy regarding his strange Hungarian name. When I was fortunate to meet Dirac in Florida fifteen years later, I learned that his parents came from French Switzerland, and his father never allowed them to speak English at the dinner table in Bristol.
That's good he made the kids speak French. My kids resisted speaking Spanish too, but now my eldest is very happy about being the best Spanish student in her class :)
What a great article! I really like the statement “your marriage belongs to you.” Our nephew and his wife both changed their last name to Paul, the name of our brother-in-law who passed away. It was a beautiful gesture and that name will always have great meaning for them. (Another reason why we have to stop the Senate from passing the SAVE act!)
That is a very nice way to feel like you carry a part of somebody with you at all times :)