Why You Should Never Feel Bad When You See Somebody Blocked You

Sometimes it's a mistake, sometimes people simply need a break

Hello, friends,

Today, I want to spend a few minutes talking about the misconceptions and the misunderstandings that can easily transpire in our digital world.

A couple of weeks ago, I tried to message

Ben Ulansey

. Those of you who follow me know that I do a weekly live with Ben where we bring in a guest and we discuss film and other ideas. We try not to talk about politics one day a week, but that’s becoming increasingly difficult in these dystopian times.

I was preparing for our weekly meeting when I saw that Ben had blocked me. There was a notification on his profile that said, “You’ve been blocked.”

That struck me as strange and I assumed it must be a mistake. Nevertheless, there’s a shiver of concern that goes through you when you see something like that. I wanted to double check with Ben to make sure that everything was okay.

At the same time, I think it’s important to be respectful when somebody blocks you. You shouldn’t feel hurt because it’s not really about you. Obviously, a person is doing something to protect their mental health. That’s sacred, you shouldn’t infringe on that.

I try not to be upset when I see somebody has blocked me, but that’s easier said than done. You have to walk through the process and get over your own reaction.

In the case of Ben, I know him pretty well and I interact with him on a variety of platforms. I thought it would be appropriate to send him an email.

”I noticed that you blocked me. I apologize if I said or did anything that offended you.”

He immediately wrote back and said, “Oh my gosh, I don’t know how that happened!” Then he went through and unblocked me and I was able to talk to him again.

This serves as a reminder that we shouldn’t fly off the handle at any perceived slight. I know that I often hit the wrong button with my big clumsy fingers on my blurry cell phone screen. It’s not all that hard to accidentally block somebody. Then there are bizarre internal mechanisms that come into play. Maybe you got blocked because of a glitch in the system.

Creatives tend to be sensitive souls and we assume the worst possible scenario. Any time you’re blocked, or somebody unsubscribes, you assume it’s an error on your part. If you send in a story that’s rejected, you fall into a depression and think you’ve got no talent.

You don’t spend any time considering the qualifications of the person who rejected you.

But the fact is, you sometimes lose subscribers because people fell on hard times. Sometimes your stories get rejected because the editor is wrong. Sometimes people block you by mistake.

About a week ago, I jumped on a Substack live and saw that I couldn’t leave comments. I assumed that one of the participants must have blocked or muted me, but then I stopped and realized that maybe it was just a glitch.

The problem is that until you realize it might be a glitch, you feel kind of sad. Still, it’s not a terrible thing to do the occasional life audit where you look for things you might have said or done that are offensive. That’s how we improve as human beings. That’s how we grow.

A few months ago, I was working with a very talented writer. She was creating wonderful stories about her life growing up in poverty. I’d edited some of them and gotten them Boosted on Medium.

I was looking forward to getting the next one from her, and then I lost contact.

I’m trying to remember if she was on the Zoom call I hosted that got attacked by white supremacists. Sometimes a traumatic moment like that breaks a relationship. I suppose that’s why the awful bots out there keep bombing our safe spaces.

Maybe she decided to never have that happen with me again. Or, maybe something happened to her. I hope she’s okay. It’s complex to be caught in this zone of uncertainty where you don’t know if you should give somebody their space, or check up on them.

What’s the right thing to do?

Our life is filled with moments where we’re not provided the opportunity to offer up an explanation. Even when you do your very best, you’re going to occasionally stumble into somebody’s trauma. We have to respect that people need their space. We can’t get angry about it when you lose contact with somebody. There are more productive emotions to explore.

That’s simply the way of the world. Not every story has a happy ending. You aren’t entitled to a reconciliation. When you accept that, it helps provide the motivation to always treat people with the dignity and respect they deserve.

We have to take every opportunity to make kindness our objective so that even if a misunderstanding should happen you get the opportunity to provide an explanation. You have to show you have a willingness to learn and correct your mistakes.

We must always be grateful to people for giving us the time to engage with us. But today, too, we're surrounded by so many false actors who put decent people on edge. They deliberately exploit your vulnerability to create the illusion of dominance.

They say things like, “I see you have no tolerance for people who disagree with you.” But that’s dishonest. Some people see every conversation as a competition, so they aren’t going to agree with you even when you’re right.

I don’t have time for that.

I also have to protect my mental health because the online world is so hostile.

I block a lot of people. Maybe it’s not always fair. Maybe sometimes it’s an innocent misunderstanding.

Then again, people leave mean comments. They insult you. Probably the worst cases are those which deliberately misrepresent what you're saying and use their flawed assumptions for the foundation of their attacks. Some false actors even pretend to be your friends. The world is mean and unsafe.

All these things are constantly in play. The people you interact with need to tap out every now and then and say, “I have to take a break from this.”

We shouldn’t be angry when that happens. We should show compassion and understanding.

I know that there's likely cases, too, where people just have had enough of me. Maybe I respond to somebody in a way that's too harsh, that doesn't represent who I am, and they have to mute me or block me. Maybe they get me on a bad day. It happens to me as much as it happens to anybody else.

It's very easy, particularly on podcasts and live streams to try to construct a thought only to have it come out in a way that is inadvertently hurtful or which doesn't represent your values.

The modern publishing world is a minefield of potential errors. But sometimes, it’s not a mistake. There have been quite a few instances when I've blocked somebody, then unblocked them only to have to block them again.

We're all navigating our unconscious biases that come to the surface without our awareness. In my conversations with people like

Will Fullwood

or

Zuri Stevens

, I often reiterate that I need to be told if I say something that's inadvertently, insensitive. Both of them have been very kind and understanding with me and they’ve helped me make steps on my journey.

I appreciate when I’m told I have an idea wrong. It gives me the opportunity in quiet moments to reflect on how I can become a better person. Changing yourself is the one place where you can have the most immediate positive impact on the world.

I’m not saying it’s easy. I’m saying it’s effective.

The minor little hiccup was logging into my account and finding that I’d been blocked. It turned into something I had to process, and I hope these reflections serve as words of wisdom for the rest of you.

The world is hostile, and the internet is filled with dangers, but there’s also a beautiful online world. We can create connections. We can cultivate the connections we already have. If somebody needs to take a break from you for a little while, sometimes that’s a necessary step on the way to a more fulfilling relationship.

Don’t take it personally.

Or, it might be an accident. It might be a glitch. It might be a misunderstanding. It could be any number of things. I guess our job in life is to just keep the door open for people who are genuinely willing to come through and engage with you, but also to be respectful and mindful of our own mental health.

Don’t let reckless visitors break your precious things.

We always reserve the right to take a step back and take a break from people when it seems like they're deliberately causing us harm. Abusers want to keep you spinning in circles. If your relationship won’t hold up if you’re given space for reflection, then it’s probably not healthy.

Keep that in mind and be careful out there.

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